THINGS THIS EUROPEAN DUDE JUST SAID TO US FROM THE POOL

Lounging by a beautiful pool (that is totally shaped like a dick btw) in Thailand, @Allys_on and I just got some sage advice dropped on us outta NOWHERE
  1. Ladies! Be careful.
    I almost looked around like, what, is the umbrella about to fall on us?
  2. Those phones will kill you. Someday.
    Oh, nope, just another old dude wanting to lecture us on the dangers of technology.
  3. You've got to live in the world!
  4. I look at too much on my phone. I do. But you have to look around!
  5. Listen, like I always say, stay beautiful just like you are.
    This was his first of four or five farewell messages.
  6. You are from the United States? So am I! I am from Seattle, and I lived in Chicago, and I lived in Australia, and now I am living in Thailand for two years.
    Plot twist, turns out he's not European. His accent changed when he learned we were from the US and he started sounding Texan.
  7. If you want to come south of Bangkok, I have a beautiful home with many bedrooms, and you can stay with me, maybe we will have a little party.
  8. I'm having my birthday party this Friday. I'm 63. I think 70 or 80 people are coming!
  9. This is my friend [a man in a bright orange bro tank that reads "I am not perfect but I am limited edition" approaches], we call him Catwalk Kevin. But I call him Kevin Clooney because he looks like George Clooney!
  10. You can call me Greggy.
  11. May you have much happiness and blessings in your travels.
  12. Are you two together? It's okay!
    "No, but you're not the first person to think so, and we're definitely not offended!"
  13. I was the top mortgage broker in Seattle, and I gave mortgages to the gay and lesbian community, and the women loved me because I didn't care! I would say, I know you don't want me to watch! [He covered his eyes and then peeked through. Barf.] We would laugh and tease each other.
  14. Greggy eventually leaves and Kevin Clooney proceeds to tell us his entire life story, including his successful businesses in Sweden, his first wife who died tragically, his second wife who died tragically, his daughter with a mystery woman, and his current girlfriend who is his second wife's best friend.
  15. When Greggy comes back he sings Beach Boys songs, loudly, to anyone who walks through, to announce that there are California girls here
  16. If we walked down the street in Seattle holding hands, everyone would stare and think it's weird and think I am a perverted old man, but here, it's okay!
  17. Listen, this is going to go viral soon, I have a new way to high five. It's called the slide five. It has, I would say, a very calm sexuality.
  18. I couldn't go to my mother's funeral because I would have gone to jail for pulling off my sister's tongue and ears, and her husband's, and I don't want to go to jail. Anyway, what I am saying is, if you have parents, you should appreciate them.
  19. It was so good to meet you, California girls, and I hope that you have much joy and happiness in your travels.