Outstanding Resume Skills

(that don't count for shit)
  1. Bed-making
    Did Pottery Barn descend upon this sleep vessel you ask? No. That's just my conditioned hands, the child of a mother who created our home to be magazine-caliber.
  2. Mojito-making
    They keep getting better. Or I keep getting drunker quicker.
  3. Tetris-ing dishwasher to maximal efficiency
    I take great freakish pleasure in owning the dishwasher operation. It's insides looking like a food-caked Mari Kondo suitcase.
  4. Uncanny depth-estimation of food to Tupperware-size
    The useful application of "How many Skittles are in this jar?" No half-empty plastic containers, no suffocating leftovers.
  5. Multi-tasker extraordinaire
    I'm talking sweating on the gym stair-climber, while listening to a podcast whilst reading my long list of news articles. I'm referring to texting a novel whilst running a 10k while watching and digesting Good Morning America. It's ADD. It's life on the reg.
  6. Faithful retainer wearer since 2006.
    I argue this could ACTUALLY be useful to a future employer demonstrating my persistence throughout adolescence and disdain for all that is crooked.
  7. Rant-to-Text transcriber
    Credit T-9 beginnings and loathe of the phone call. Skill most commonly on display when driver employs passenger I, these fingers, SheChief of Scribal Screen, with the responsibility to filter the ramblings into readable communication. Not only does this show my ability to filter communication roadblocks, but also exhibits my efforts to fight the rampant Texting While Driving malady.
  8. Reading In The Car Without Getting Sick
  9. Impeccable Laundry Folding