No one needs a thousand friends. I realize I could unfollow these people but unfriending is more satisfying. (After writing this list, I think it's amazing I have any friends at all.)
  1. You post about politics
    I don't care what side you're on, Facebook is not a soap box.
  2. You post hateful/sexist/racist things
    You suck.
  3. You just got engaged
    I don't need to see the picture of your hand for the next 4 days.
  4. You just got married
    See above, but this time it's shitty phone pix of your first dance that's dark and blurry from various guests who tagged "the beautiful couple. #love"
  5. You just announced your pregnancy
    Your announcement was tacky and I'm preemptively opting out of monthly photos leading up to and after the birth.
  6. You just had a baby
    In case I tolerated your pregnancy and made it this far - now you're going to spam my feed everyday with pictures and videos I don't care to see.
  7. You can't spell
    There's autocorrect. What is your excuse?
  8. Your updates are uncreative
    "Nothing like [doing something boring] in [unusual weather] degrees!"
  9. We haven't talked since high school and you randomly popped up on my feed
    I don't know who you are anymore. Let's move on.
  10. You share every dumb article you read on the internet
    Especially those who post fake news articles!
  11. Your profile picture is cliche or offensive
  12. You over-share
    Oh, you went to get froyo at your favorite spot in town? GREAT.
  13. You post pictures of food
    Especially if it's goddamn froyo.
  14. I only befriended you because of a mutual friend, whom I'm no longer friends with so byeee
  15. We are actually not friends anymore
    Doesn't happen often, but is a legit reason to unfriend on Facebook. Applies to romantic break ups as well.
  16. You're my dad