RICHARD B. MORRIS'S 7 KEY FOUNDING FATHERS RANKED BY HOW MUCH I'D LIKE TO FIGHT THEM

  1. 7) Thomas Jefferson
    100% would fight. Defended slavery, Changed several elements of the Presidency because he felt like it, essentially invented party politics, wrote "all men are created equal" probably as a joke. Not a strong man. Spent entire revolutionary war in France. Looks like he could use a punch in the face
  2. 6) John Adams
    Passed the Alien and Sedition Acts, making it harder for French refugees to immigrate, was not well liked by any members of Washington's cabinet but kept them anyway so nobody would be mad at him. Described as "prickly" but looks squishy. Would fight, but would probably feel bad about it if he cried. (He will.)
  3. 5) James Madison
    Had to hold Jefferson's hand during Tom's Presidency. Oversaw the Louisiana Purchase, let the National Bank die despite warnings from his treasurer and kept it stay dead until Congress forced him to so they could fund war with England Looks and talks tough, but really just a kid who wants his toy. Looks like he's watching his phone at a party instead of having fun. Would fight.
  4. 4) John Jay
    Reminded everyone he worked on the Federalist Papers but only wrote 5 of the essays, never had a political career in Washington but did free slaves of New York while he was governor in 1799. Wore a ridiculous robe for his self-portrait No personal beef, but would still fight because the man was perpetually ill, giving me an advantage come throw down tome.
  5. 3) Benjamin Franklin
    America's first real philosopher, prolific writer, convinced France to aid our war effort, but was a slave owner and even offered rewards for people to catch runaway slaves. Also was a well noted horn dog. Will fight but only on moral grounds as he will still probably kick my butt. For an older white dude, he evidently had a mean right hook.
  6. 2) Alexander Hamilton
    First Secretary of the Treasury, main author of the Federalist papers, essentially invented America's form of Federalist government, anti-slavery but probably hated Thomas Jefferson more than he hated slavery. DO NOT FIGHT. Hamilton partiscipated in several duels, only losing one. A short fuse on a loose cannon. Only fight if armed. And even then, do not fight.
  7. 1) George Washington
    Led the Revolutionary Army, US's first President, tried to be as bi-partisan as possible, viewed as "America's Dad", left office because he was tired of all the party politics and told everyone to knock it off. They did not. 100% do not fight. George is a hardened soldier who doesn't NEED to fight you but makes it absolutely clear that he can and will. Look at that picture. Dude had to hold his arm up that whole time. Clearly lifts. Like he's saying "Please. Come in. I'll whoop ya."