The Nine Circles Of Hell, Updated For The 21st Century

Inspired by @joemurphy why won't you call me back? I thought you loved me?!?
  1. First Circle : Limbo
    This circle of hell, is a lesser version of heaven. Nobody has technically sinned, but these people sold drugs. It is densely filled with marijuana smoke and everyone who resides in this circle is forever forced to get high off their own supply.
  2. Second Circle : Lust
    Anyone who has a Tinder or something like that is forced to spend eternity with the people they didn't swipe right on. It's even worse for the people who swiped right on everyone, they are damned to a life where everyone they match with on Tinder is just "Looking for a friend"
  3. Third Circle : Gluttony
    Guarded by the incarnate workout regiment, Swoll; those who were gluttons for exercise and food reside in this circle, forced to live with the completely two different lifestyles. Everyone is hooked up to a device that forces you to constantly run at the same speed forever, while also loading you up with disgusting amounts of carbs from moldy bread and protein from rotten fish.
  4. Fourth Circle : Greed
    This is where all the cheap are destined to be constantly paying for everyone who never paid others back. Where anyone who never paid back someone, to be berated by a lot of giant people they owe money to who take turns beating the shit out of you for being late on your payments, so they charge interest even though you will never have any money. Sounds of change dropping is heard by everyone there constantly, and they cannot grab the fallen coins either.
  5. Fifth Circle : Anger
    If you ever rage quit at a friends house when you were a kid, if you ever shook up an ant farm, if you ever double dunked someone in a pool, if you ever were mean to service workers, you get to come here and be pissed on by those you hate most. And as a result you get pissed 'off'. Because it makes the punishment a play on words
  6. Sixth Circle : Heretics
    Those who believe global warming is a myth, 9/11 being an inside job, or supported Trump are trapped in tombs of liberal media and opinions that the damned disagree with.
  7. Lower Hell
    To journey through the next two circles of hell and their combined thirteen rings as well as the ninth circle of hell, you have to jump into the massively deep dank smelling pit.
  8. Seventh Circle : Violence
    Guarded by a schoolyard bully. He does it because he enjoys it; he has a safe, stable, and healthy home environment.
  9. First Ring of the Seventh Circle : People and Property
    You are forced to stay after a massive blood party and clean up your own boiling blood that you wade in.
  10. Second Ring of the Seventh Circle : Profligates
    Back in 2002 the good people at the seventh circle of hell decided that punishing people for eternity for committing suicide was a sin in itself, so they don't do that part of damnation anymore. However, anybody who threw away something that could have been recycled is forced to an eternity long seminar about global warming by Al Gore. The seminar echoes up to the sixth circle of hell as an added "Fuck you for killing the planet and disgusting people with your opinions"
  11. Third Ring of the Seventh Circle : Partytown Central
    It's actually just hell for the people who fear going there. All this ring is, is a huge fucking orgy where nobody gets pregnant and nobody gets STD's. Everyone just gets laid. Insanely hard to get sent to this ring, like, you had to get mad pussy and dick while you were alive. Like, have sex on every first date, and every date is a first date for you. However, those who unconsentually (See Louis C.K. Bit) had sex with animals are put into the spot of this ring where it rains fire sand.
  12. Eighth Circle : Fraud
    This is a weird circle.
  13. First Ring of the Eighth Circle : Seducers
    The catfish of dating networks, deadbeat fathers who abandon their pregnant partners, and other gross people are all here to reject eachother while getting whipped in single file lines.
  14. Second Ring of the Eighth Circle : Flatterers
    So, We don't know why exactly we decided to do this, but, due to legal issues, we could not change this rule. So, if you were even thinking about thanking me. Think again, buddy.
  15. Third Ring of the Eighth Circle : Simony
    So, you can't rob churches, or you will be forced to turn yourself inside out and then swim in the boiling blood for all of your dismal afterlife. It is actually just that easy, don't steal from the church.
  16. Fourth Ring of the Eighth Circle : Sorcerers/Astrologers/False Prophets
    If you're a nerd, what happens is you hear people reference things incorrectly. Like "My favorite line in the Star Wars is when that little dude with hairy feet is like, 'Beam me up, Dave'." Why? BECAUSE FUCK YOU! YOU FUCKING NERDS!
  17. Fifth Ring of the Eighth Circle : Politicians
    We decided a long time ago to instead of just punishing the corrupt politicians, that we should punish all the politicians by immersing them in Jell-O while they are naked and everyone can see their junk. The joke here is that they have embarrassing genitals. Also, who encases people in Jell-O? That's just comedy gold right there.
  18. Sixth Ring of the Eighth Circle : Hypocrites
    If you are a hypocrite, you just get your teeth knocked out and then you have to fist yourself unconscious. Fist as in, inserting one's entire first into either the vagina or anus. Because all hypocrites are is just some pussyshit fuckers.
  19. Seventh Ring of the Eighth Circle : Thieves
    You are forced to buy all your music on iTunes like a fucking square. You also are literally given sticky fingers for all of eternity. They just, fucking stick to everything they touch. Washing them makes it even worse.
  20. Eighth Ring of the Eighth Circle : Fraudulent Advisors
    If you were ever called an enabler you go here and are forced to develop mental and physical dependence on all the drugs in hell and nobody enables you, YOU JUST GO COLD FUCKING TURKEY
  21. Ninth Ring of the Eighth Circle : Sowers of Discord
    This is where the people who were full of shit, as well as themselves just have to hear the others in this ring talk about themselves
  22. Tenth Ring of the Eighth Circle : Falsifiers
    The Sham-Wow guy lives here and so does J.K. Rowling. They should really have a disclaimer at the beginning of Harry Potter saying that it isn't real because I got into some trouble with the police for beating up people to get information.
  23. Ninth Circle : Treachery
  24. Round One of the Ninth Circle : Caïna
    So, basically what is gonna happen is if you kill someone you are related to, you get to chill here with other people who also killed relatives. Come on guys. This is only the first round of the ninth circle and you guys are already killing your cousins and shit. For real, step it up fam. Cause here comes round two
  25. Round Two of the Ninth Circle : Antenora
    Again, just stop betraying people. That includes saying "Vape Nation is the only country whose laws I follow, Mom!" Unironically
  26. Round Three of the Ninth Circle : Ptolomaea
    Any In-Laws spend an eternity at your house forever. They constantly complain about how you never have milk in the house and how you are letting your children throw their lives away.
  27. Round Four of the Ninth Circle : Judecca
    There is like, one dude here. Just don't sell out Jesus, like, you don't know him. You don't get to throw biformerly dead people under the bus.