Things I Have Never Said But Plan To Say Out Of Context Part 3

Again, dedicated to @socks because that last one just kinda turned into a weird story that I think is about this dude derrick who FUCKING SUCKED ASS AND WAS AN ATTENTION WHORE, but then again, thats just what I think-and what do I know? I just wrote the story, so. Who knows?
  1. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm! Yes, oh fuck YES! Y! E! Fucking S! It's *insert name of food that you ordered when it arrives*
  2. I swear on my stepmoms grave, I had no idea that this was a family restaurant
    Don't worry, @socks this is how that ends. I swear to god just like my stuff I can even be your friend
  3. MOM! Fuck OFF! Im trying to FUCKING VLOG!
  4. It's about time we put that hooker down
  5. Well, I'm sold. Put me down for twenty orders of party favors
  6. GET OUT! GET OUT OF THE CITY! THE ZOO IS COMING FOR US!
  7. Wanna smoke some balsa wood?
  8. You would be just as surprised as I would at the amount of cue balls I can insert into my anus
  9. Did I ask for your opinion, Doctor? No. I didn't. So go tell someone else they have two weeks to live.
  10. Seriously! Stop with the lapdances! I'm trying to fucking study!
  11. Could you believe that guy? Pfssh. Come identify your daughter-my ass!
  12. Honey? I think I am going to cheat on you with the neighbor's wife, what do you think?
  13. Well, if it isn't from your body...then...whose body is it from?
  14. I swear to god. Ask me if I want to hear about the special again and I will personally put you in a home.
  15. So...are we just gonna take turns flashing people our genitals or, what, what type of threesome is this anyway?
  16. Could you pass the condoms, please
  17. Ma? Pa? I decided to come out as a butterfly. You still love me right?
  18. I wish my dad was as cool as this homeless guy
  19. Butter me up! I'm ready to travel through the time rift.
  20. Does this wifi come with porn, or am I gonna have to look it up myself?
  21. Could someone please shoot these fucking carp, why are they so fucking massive?
  22. Oh shit, is that my sensei?
  23. Gee, I could cut that sheet metal if you'd let me, ma
  24. So, turns out. Glass is pretty much invisible in water.
  25. I am outraged. Why is this car's glove compartment full of blood?
  26. Which one of you faggots took my extension cord? Was it you Dad?
  27. Does this come in human leather?
  28. You're fucking kidding me, right? That's the dead prostitute you called us over to help you bury!
  29. Good thing that condom melted onto my penis during that electrical fire, right?
  30. Do you know where all the highschool girls hangout?
  31. Hey! You were so right! Eating your trash isn't good for your health!
  32. Did you just insert that quarter into my pussy?
  33. Yo! Fam! Come check out this semen stain! It looks like the Virgin Mary, right!
  34. I didn't know you could hold your breath that long!
  35. Have you seen my capuchin? He lost a lot of blood recently, so he really isn't supposed to be alive.