@marymurphy has never betrayed me. Not once-no sir-she is a good honest to god citizen and I don't think you have a warrant to search my humble abode ossifer
  1. One time. I picked up my cat, right?
    And this motherfucker is like "Mraoooorrr" and I am like "Oh shit. Oh fucking shit" and my cats getting all antsy and I had a hunch that it was gonna scratch me. Then I realized I had no shirt on and that my cat had already cut my nipple and I was bleeding a little bit.
  2. So, I met this girl.
    My friend introduced us to each other and we hit it off, right? So, then I get home after our second date (Which included some quality cuddling, let me tell you) and I start texting her "Heyyy I had a lot of fun, we should do it again. What do you say, Girlie?" And she goes. No fucking joke. She goes "Maybe if you were more athletic and got better grades and looked better more girls would like you". And I said "Fuck you" immediately afterwards. And then she got herpes. I didn't. She did.
  3. So, if we have yet to establish that I am a 100% real-life dumbass. Then boy do I have A lot of stories for you.
  4. So. I will do almost anything if enough people tell me to do it and or call me a pussy.
    I got this wound from clapping two pickle jars together. In school. After school. Which I very quickly left the premises. It was and always will be worth it. The one who betrayed me in this story, was not me, nor the people who egged me on just enough for me to get excited. But those two fucking pickle jars. They betrayed me.
  5. So, I was on the back of my friends car. I yelled at him "Ben! I swear to god if you floor it!"
    And before you could say "Ben, you goddamn son of a bitch" he floored it and my other friend took a picture before telling Ben to stop before he killed me.
  6. This one is all on me.
    My teacher was not mad. Just confused and taken back. The class is personal finance. Fuck you, Mr. Robinson.
  7. Look at that smug little fucker
  8. Fuck you car door
  9. That time I went to a party, expecting snacks.
    So I ate all of his fruit. Drank all of his apple juice and chocolate milk. And. I ate his Mom's Ben and Jerry's Ice cream. I also may or may not have stolen an apple device from the party. But, like, 80 gigabytes.
  10. The winter pep rally.
    Look how sad me and Noah are. Nobody wants to be at the winter pep rally. But fuck what the student body wants, right?
  11. My fault again.
    But. I am still the reigning champion of a mighty thirty seconds on a hot grill.
  12. The couple of times iTunes went down for 8+hourse
  13. That time I didn't use sunscreen
    Fuck you, me.
  14. When I stepped on a thumbtack while wearing my J's
  15. When my cat ruined a selfie
  16. When Ricky got shot
  17. That time I drank an entire one of these. Like all the cans.
    I thought I legit died