To All My Friends: Present and Future Forget the Past

Listen I need everyone to know that I have unrealistic standards of what it even means to be a friend so I need everyone to you know just help me out a little
  1. Please don't say that we're friends if you just consider me an a ,colleague a peer, an acquaintance, or any of that jazz
  2. Don't pretend you want to be my friend if you really just want all up in my grape bowl.
    Like let me decide for myself if I want to bang you don't try to trick me with friendship cause that's not going to work I mean I would have said no anyway cause gross but now we've both wasted our time.
  3. Don't tell me that we're going to stay in touch if you have no plans of actually keeping in touch
    Cause I'll be waiting for a call that will never happen and who needs that.
  4. Don't pretend to be something you're not, cause at some point you won't be able to keep it up.
    Like don't tell me you baked me a cake and it's really a ham with icing on it I hate ham.
  5. Don't call me your best friend because chances are I'm probably not unless you're like legit that one person and they know who they are.
  6. Don't tell me you'll be there for me if you can't or won't
    I understand that some people can't and that everyone has stuff going on so don't make promises you can't keep, I am a fragile grasshopper.
  7. Don't ignore me
    Because why do that to someone your friends with, and no I don't mean being busy I mean actively ignoring me.
  8. Don't pretend it's 50/50
    Like would I love for all of my friendships to be like that yes but they won't be. Don't call me and talk about all your problems then apologize and say I'm sorry next time it's all about you because it won't be. Which is fine but don't raise my expectations just to crush it back down.
  9. Don't be friends with me because you have no one else
    Like what do I look like a slinky
  10. Bottom line is as someone who again has super unrealistic standards for friendship is appreciate if people were just honest that's all I ask
  11. Well that and candy I really enjoy candy