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First of all, turkey bacon is fucking great.
  1. I was a vegan for a really long time
    We're talking like a decade
  2. And I recently stopped being vegan
  3. Because before I was vegan (and kinda during. Okay definitely during) I had an eating disorder
    That shit stays with ya for a while and I've many lists about it, if anyone's ever looking for support.
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Literally can't believe I didn't think of this sooner.
  1. All the states who voted republican
    Congrats you played yourselves
  2. Manspreaders
  3. Mansplainers
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The next time you feel dumb about something, remember I've done all of these things (and that this list will only get longer because if I trust myself to do anything, it's to continue to make horrible horrible mistakes)
  1. Anytime I have eaten anything without knowing or asking about the ingredients
    Sicksville population me
  2. That time I dyed my hair red
    It looked like a crime scene. A splotchy, splotchy crime scene. And red is NOT my color, as we all could have guessed.
  3. That time I tried to cut my own bangs
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  1. One in the staples print center I'm currently writing this list in
  2. One this morning when I realized my car has been towed
    For the third time in as many months
  3. Another when I was told it was for unpaid tickets
    I have paid all my tickets
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Not sure how he knew I'd be @gremlin but I guess the man raised me
  1. Aaaaaand now he knows how much I swear.
  2. He promised to keep it secret from my mom but for a price
    Is it really family if you're not all blackmailing each other?
  3. If you're reading this, Dad, I'm sorry.
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  1. A man in front of me has been trying to flirt with a woman across the aisle pretty much this whole time and is either oblivious to the ring on her finger or does not care
  2. The man directly behind him just aggressively licked the cheese off his fingers from the cheetos he just inhaled
    I'm judging but also jealous because my food options in this airport were literally leaves.
  3. The people behind me are talking about how cocoa is better than coffee
    You are grown adults coffee is LIFE how is this even a debate
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  1. Today I quit my job
    It's a long story
  2. I'm taking a last minute flight to Salt Lake to see the boyf tonight
    And have a New Years that is infinitely better than my last
  3. And emailing all the bars in LA in the meantime
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I know I'm late to the party. Inspired by @bjnovak
  1. 1.
    Lower case in my list titles
    ALL CAPS 4 LYFE
  2. 2.
    Waze
    SO MANY UNPROTECTED LEFT TURNS
  3. 3.
    Skin care that's not 💯 natural
    Otherwise it's pimple city for me and ALSO you absorb so much through your skin if you can't eat it you shouldn't put it on your face
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😬 I thought writing would involve more scotch and less responsibilities, but those rules probably only apply to you if you're Hemingway
  1. Started with coffee
  2. Lingered at said coffee shop and "brainstormed"
    Meaning I just people watched for like an hour and half, but I did it with my computer open in front of me.
  3. Wandered around a little shopping center
    And left with a bunch of samples from Aesop 🙌
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Sir you ordered a cocktail that requires me to light things on fire have some patience
  1. 1.
    Going to the service well because the rest of the bar is a like two people deep
    No. This bartender is making drinks for tables. If you try to beat the system and get a drink from this bartender, we hate you, and we're gonna ignore you for as long as we can get away with. I literally don't care if you give up and walk out. Keep your money. You're a dick.
  2. 2.
    "Can I get like 5 extra limes?"
    No. I had to cut each and every one of those garnishes I'm not gonna waste them just because you can't cowboy up. I'll pour you a shot of straight lime juice if you ask me for this, we both know what you really want is to not taste the alcohol.
  3. 3.
    "I don't know... what do you like?"
    I like making money and our most expensive scotch.
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