Some Favorite Moments From Part 1 of Mark Twain's Autobiography

This book is so friggin long.
  1. "...my experience of men had long ago taught me that one of the surest ways of begetting an enemy was to do some stranger an act of kindness which should lay upon him the irritating sense of an obligation."
    Page 87
  2. "It is my settled policy to allow newspapers to make as many misstatements about me or my affairs as they like...."
    Page 93
  3. "...if I had his nuts in a steel-trap I would shut out all human succor and watch that trap till he died."
    Page 106 (Re: James W. Paige)
  4. "As a rule, any English thing is nineteen times as strong and twenty-three times as heavy as it needs to be."
    Page 111
  5. "Perfect grammar—persistent, continuous, sustained—is the fourth dimension, so to speak: many have sought it, but none has found it."
    Page 120
  6. "We must take things as we find them in this world."
    Page 121
  7. "Plain clarity is better than ornate obscurity."
    Page 177
  8. "...genius is not 'created' by any farming process—it is born. You are thinking of potatoes."
    Page 179
  9. "The coat of arms of the human race ought to consist of a man with an axe on his shoulder proceeding toward a grindstone. Or, it ought to represent the several members of the human race holding out the hat to each other. For we are all beggars."
    Page 181
  10. "If intellect is welcome anywhere in the other world, it is in hell, not heaven."
    Page 187
  11. "...I have always felt friendly toward Satan."
    Page 204
  12. "...a man who goes around with a prophecy-gun ought never to get discouraged: if he will keep up his heart and fire at everything he sees, he is bound to hit something by and by."
    Page 206
  13. "When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not...."
    Page 210
  14. "To see the sun sink, drowned in his pink and purple and golden floods, and overwhelm Florence with tides of color that make all the sharp lines dim and faint and turn the solid city to a city of dreams, is a sight to stir the coldest nature and make a sympathetic one drunk with ecstasy."
    Page 245
  15. "...news is history in its first and best form...."
    Page 283
  16. "The privilege of beginning every day in the diary form is a valuable one."
    Page 283
  17. "...you cannot make equally good citizens where in one part of the country a child has $1.50 expended for his education and in another part of the country another child has $20 spent for his enlightenment."
    Page 309
  18. "...one other branch-lie, to wit, that I am I and you are you; that we are units, individuals, and have natures of our own, instead of being the tail-end of a tape-worm eternity of ancestors extending in linked procession back—and back—and back...."
    Page 313
  19. "I never had any large respect for good spelling."
    Page 339
  20. "I fell in love with her when she was eighteen and I was nine, but she scorned me, and I recognized that this was a cold world. I had not noticed that temperature before."
    Page 417
  21. "How childish it all seems now! And how brutal—that I could not be moved to confer upon my wife a precious and lasting joy because it would cause me a small inconvenience. I have known few meaner men than I am."
    Page 436
  22. "...our people have no ideals now that are worthy of consideration; that our Christianity which we have always been so proud of—not to say so vain of—is now nothing but a shell, a sham, a hypocrisy; that we have lost our ancient sympathy with oppressed peoples struggling for life and liberty...."
    Page 462 (in response to Tchaikovsky's plea for help from the US in the Russian revolution)