How to Run a Successful Theater Company (From Someone Who Knows What's Up)

  1. Artists love what they do, so you don't have to pay them anything.
  2. As Fran Lebowitz once said, there's nothing more expensive than an employee. So don't have any of those.
  3. If you do find that for some reason, you have to hire someone, make sure they are doing at least four or five jobs. You want to get your moneys worth.
  4. You have to pay your payroll taxes. Don't not pay your payroll taxes.
    The IRS WILL find you.
  5. Pick one lady playwright for your season so that you can have the high ground over MTC.
  6. If you're doing a show set in a kitchen, make sure the sink has running water.
    OTHERWISE PEOPLE WON'T BELIEVE YOU'RE IN A KITCHEN.
  7. To make your website, look at the websites of other theater companies. Talk about how terrible those are, then make a website exactly like them.
  8. Should you go to a meeting about marketing with other theater administrators, make sure to bring up the question of whether or not your company reaaaally needs a Facebook page.
    It's a VERY important question. Thanks, Marketing Watch Dogs!
  9. Make sure the video trailer for your play really captures all the important elements of the show. If that means your trailer is 12 minutes long, then so be it.
    WE CAN'T CUT THAT, IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT PART!!!
  10. Don't use any content warnings. You might lose a ticket buyer and the FCC doesn't care about theater.
  11. Make sure as many people as possible work on your grant language.
    Too many cooks make the broth just the right amount of confusing!
  12. Move to Germany.
  13. Become a business that sells things people actually want. Like pizza. Or iPads.
  14. No glitter. Anywhere. At any time.