The Survivor Challenges I Would Create if I Were in Charge of Survivor Challenges

  1. You have a bunch of round pegs in a net. Use the net to transport the pegs from a barge in the ocean to the shore. You drop a peg, you have to find it and start over. Careful not to grab a decoy peg! When you're to the shore, you'll find a bunch of square holes. First team to put the round pegs into the square holes wins immunity.
  2. Spin around in a circle 100 times. Make out with someone the same gender as you. Make out with someone the opposite gender as you. Put together a puzzle with Jeff Probst's face on it. First person to finish the puzzle gets to make out with the puzzle. And immunity.
  3. Endurance challenge!! First: four hours of calisthenics led by Jeff Probst. Then, watch every episode ever of Survivor in a marathon, but instead of the regular sound, it's the DVD commentary, which is exclusively narration by Jeff Probst. The last person to fall asleep wins Survivor DVDs and a DVD player. And immunity.
  4. You have a marble. Eat it, poop it out. Take the marble to the sea. Find an oyster. The oyster has a puzzle piece in its mouth. Put the marble in the oyster's mouth like a pearl. Take the puzzle piece. Three other people have corresponding puzzle pieces. First group to assemble the puzzle wins tampons. And immunity.
  5. You have a bunch of logs and twine, and no drinking water. Build a raft. Set sail. The first person to enter America illegally wins dual citizenship with wherever Survivor is being filmed and America. And legal immunity.
  6. Endurance challenge!! You must become an elite classical musician on an instrument of your choosing. The first one to give up on the idea of a solo career and join a chamber group wins a redefined sense of success and the ability to spend more time with your family. And immunity.
  7. Endurance challenge!! First one to get pregnant and have a fetus deemed viable by the on-set EMTs gets immunity. But only for the fetus. HASHTAG NEW TWIST THIS SEASON...!
  8. You have a map and a box with 12 locks on it. Follow the map to OJ Simpson's house in Brentwood. The keys are buried in his backyard. Open the box. There, you'll find another map. Follow that map to where OJs murder weapon is buried. The first person to find the murder weapon wins the murder weapon. And immunity.
  9. You each have a map. Use it to find a particular tree. There, you'll find a shovel. Buried by the tree is a dead body. Use the shovel to dig it up. Get your dead body to the beach, where you'll find a canoe. Put the body in the canoe. Start a fire, light the canoe on fire. First person to light the fire gets to become a Viking. And immortality.