Things I Wish Had Happened When the Pope Came to NYC

  1. Instead of the trains running with delays, they ran miraculously on time.
  2. All the people dressed up as Sesame Street and Disney characters were raptured out of Times Square.
  3. He had to have a conversation with former NY City Council Member Charles Barron.
  4. He came over to my apartment and let me try on his hats.
  5. He brought the Swiss Guard with him and they all took a Duck Boat Tour for staff bonding.
  6. He had to call in some favors to get a table for brunch at Westville.
  7. He turned the Gowanus Canal into wine with a bunch of garbage in it.
  8. He closed out the night in a random room at Sing Sing Karaoke and slayed with Sheena Easton's classic hit, "My Baby Takes the Morning Train."
    That song is really hard to sing.
  9. He was in Times Square and uttered the phrase, "Who DOESN'T like comedy?"
  10. He forgot that he no longer has a papal navy and declared a sea-based war on America.
  11. World peace.