AN OPINIONATED LIST OF THINGS THAT DON'T BELONG ON THINGS

I've been away from my family for a week and I'm getting surly. You probably shouldn't read this indulgent judgmental BS.
  1. Cranberries don't belong on sandwiches.
    This is what inspired this list. There should have been a large print warning in the menu.
  2. Greens don't belong on pizza.
    Ever. EVER.
  3. Leashes don't belong on cats.
    Or toddlers for that matter. Maybe there's a rare scenario where this makes sense.
  4. Phones don't belong on dates.
    This is the only thing on this list that is actually an aspirational ideal and something I'm telling myself.
  5. Spoilers don't belong on street cars.
    They're so weird.
  6. Opening credits don't belong on movies.
    One of the few things that genuinely enrages me is prolonged opening credits. Imagine if everything in life was this way. "Before you browse iTunes here is a protracted list of the 7,000 people involved in making it work." Don't care. Save it for the end where we can ignore it as God intended.
  7. Bacon pieces don't belong on a doughnut.
    The taste is fine (good even) but tough cold greasy bacon does not work well with an airy doughnut texturally.
  8. Ads that make noise don't belong on web pages.
    Do you want more murders? Because this is how you get murders.
  9. Cases don't belong on phones.
    So clunky. Yes my phone is a bit scratched and dinged up. Who cares. That's why it has its own metal case around all those sensitive electronics. Also do you have any idea how hard it is to get it out of my pocket when I'm sitting down WITHOUT a case?
  10. Hair bows don't belong on hairless babies.
    If it requires adhesive it is not a hair accessory.
  11. Fruit doesn't belong on salads
    Possible exceptions include apples, pears, and citrus but only occasionally and only in very specific scenarios
  12. Bicycles don't belong on sidewalks
    [ring ring] I just ran over your feet.
  13. Corollary: Cars don't belong on bicycle lanes
    I totally get why the bikes are always on the sidewalk. Because the drivers here are hateful bike-swipers.
  14. $8 cans of coca cola don't belong on my hotel bill
    I would never and I did never so count them again.
  15. Whining doesn't belong on List App
    I love all you beautiful people. Sorry. 😘