Side note: I 💗 my Apple Watch.
  1. Finally has an exercise category for "going to Costco".
  2. Subtle warning on the wrist when approaching terrorists or teenage nerds.
  3. Now fully supports my religious freedom.
  4. 20% increase in smugness.
  5. Automatically logs prostate function.
  6. When in a room with three or more Apple watches, they will all begin to chirp affectionately.
  7. $17,000 solid gold version now includes customizable Feel The Bern themed watch face.
  8. Can now tell time twice as fast.
  9. Can now say "Scottie" instead of "Hey Siri" when talking to your arm like an idiot.
  10. New "does this match" feature gives rudimentary clothing advice to nerds who only discovered fashion once Apple put a computer chip in it.
  11. Early access to soon-to-be-released Facebook "dislike" button.
  12. Supports fully immersive The List App interface when wearing six watches on one arm.