HOW TO PERFORM THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER ON A STRANGER WHO IS NOT CHOKING

This is something I do a lot of.
  1. 1.
    Identify an unsuspecting stranger.
    Preferably someone who looks like they might be socially awkward or not interested in interaction.
  2. 2.
    Run to your target and exclaim "ARE YOU OK?!"
    Ideally the person will look at you surprised and say nothing.
  3. 3.
    Spread your arms wide and demand the person be given "some space".
    Do this even if there is nobody around.
  4. 4.
    Put your shoulders back and say "don't worry, I read about this on @wikiHow."
    Nobody need know the truth.
  5. 5.
    Should the target begin to object reassure them by saying "you need to save your breath. Try not to speak."
    If they don't object, marry them.
  6. 6.
    Perform the Heimlich maneuver flawlessly.
  7. 7.
    Send the target a birthday card every year reassuring them you don't intend to claim the life debt they now owe you.
    Do this consistently until you or they die.