SUPER HEROES IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE
- •Spider Man was bitten by a radioactive mosquito insteadRather than fight crime he just annoys people constantly. Signature move: Sneaks up behind you and hisses in your ear. Gear: Malaria-misters on his wrists.
- •Incredible Hulk was hit with alpha radiation insteadStill just Bruce Banner but kind of has a temper anyway.
- •Baby Superman crashed in Moscow in 1972 insteadHe's a fully indoctrinated communist. Olympics are now pretty much a joke. Cold War ended differently.
- •Batman's parents were killed by the police in a botched traffic stop insteadDevoted his considerable mental and physical resources to prisoner rights. Nobody's heard of him.
- •Black Widow was payed by Jennifer Lawrence insteadStill gorgeous. Still cool. Still strong. Still complicated. Still under-utilized in the marvel film universe.
- •Iron Man received proper medical care for his heart shrapnel insteadObamacare FTW. Also, world is way safer without that guy blowing things up all the time.
- •Thor was the God of the Old Testament insteadEvery time there's a bad guy to battle he picks a few really righteous people, builds them a boat, and then floods the whole planet. Does not end well for all of us who are just pretty ok but not great.
- •Captain America was banned from crime fighting for using performance enhancing drugsEarns a living on the pro wrestling circuit. Calls himself Colonel Confederacy. His popularity is seriously waning. The network is debating wether to cancel his contract or make him a caricature bad guy.
- •Ant Man is super strong like an ant, but proportional to his size insteadStepped on.