THINGS I SILENTLY JUDGE
- •Over the top proposal videosWhen my wife and I entered into a verbal contract to marry it was ... more clinical. If you have an elaborate flash mob at your proposal I secretly hate you while I click Like in Facebook.
- •People who are always late"Oh no it's no problem at all" he says while secretly down-rating his internal accounting of your fitness to complete any task at all.
- •Gorgeous profile picturesAll of you are guilty of this. I too had that one picture once that made me look way better than I really look.
- •Lousy profile picturesI'm guilty of this. In a self conscious attempt to avoid feeling like I care about my profile picture I always choose one that looks stupid.
- •Yoga pantsPeople always say they wear them because they're comfortable but there's no way skin tight pants on nascent leg hairs are comfortable. They're just sexy. That's ok. Just know that we're on to you.
- •BMW driversI'm sure that if I actually drove a BMW I would realize it is the Ultimate Driving Machine or whatever. But as a person who walks a lot I can assure you that there is a 75% chance that BMW is going to race the light and almost kill me when I'm in the crosswalk. And a 0% chance the beater '98 Honda Accord will do the same. Consequently I quietly judge all BMW drivers to be jerks with the exception of my aunt, who is a delight.
- •People who can't function in the morning without coffeeGuys it is the coffee that makes miserable so you need the coffee. If your significant other acted that way you'd break up with them in a heartbeat. I'll run to Starbucks with you but I'm judging you all the way.
- •People who drive slowly in the left lane.If you're not passing someone, move the $&*#@ over.Suggested by @karenelkinscohen