WAYS 2015 GWEN WOULD HAVE DISAPPOINTED 2005 GWEN

  1. I never got around to dying my hair pink.
    This was the pinnacle of Cool Things That Cool Badass Adults do, and sadly I am neither cool or bad ass. I've dyed my hair red, (almost) black and even blonder, but never pink. In addition to disappointing 13-year-old me, I've also disappointed old school Gwen Stefani
  2. I was never in a band
    I did flag line in high school band, does that count? No? Okay, never mind. Still a disappointment.
  3. I haven't gone on a date with Ryan Key, lead singer of Yellowcard.
    Your first celebrity crush may have been someone on Disney, but mine was lead singer and blonde hair enthusiast Yellowcard front man, Ryan Key. I stand by this crush, actually.
  4. I never got a cupcake tattoo
    Actually I can't even pretend to be on 13-year-old me's side on this one, that would have been dumb and I regret even wanting it.
  5. I haven't hosted SNL
    This is a big one. I think 2005 Gwen would actually cry over this. How did my acting career not take off after my groundbreaking role in a student written play in high school?
  6. I've never been to Egypt
    How the hell am I supposed to be the first Egyptologist to host SNL if I haven't even gone to Egypt? God, I really am a total disappointment.