Chapter Titles of My Hypothetical Autobiography

If I sat down and wrote a book about my life, or somehow convinced someone else to do so, these would probably be some of the f*cked up chapter titles that speak for themselves.
  1. How Eyeliner Saved My Life
  2. Reasons Not To Date a Drug Dealer
    Followed by a corresponding chapter: Benefits of Dating a Drug Dealer
  3. How Many Drunk Girls Can You Fit in a Hyuandi Sonata? .... Eight
    I wouldn't recommend it, if I could remember it.
  4. Collecting Trash: The Early 2000's
    Please don't ask.
  5. Call Me Norma Jean
    Some like it hot.
  6. "DON'T RUN WITH THE BACON!"
    We had strange rules growing up.
  7. True Life: My Obsession with The Jonas Brothers
    I don't even regret this one.
  8. How To Eat Frog Legs and Other Southern Delicacies
    Tastes like chicken, y'all.
  9. A Middle School Without Ceiling Tiles
    I'm painting a really nice picture of my hometown.
  10. "No, That's Not My Hair in Your Food"
    And other waitress chronicles.
  11. Going Black, and Coming Back
    Mission impossible: accomplished.
  12. Where Did My Boobs Go?
    You read that right.
  13. The Joys of Motherhood, Doggy Style
    I love my fur babies.
  14. Impending Doom: The College Years
    Self explanatory.