THE SECRET LIFE OF LIFEGUARDS

a log of our research on the lifeguard activity at our local beach
  1. caste-system of lifeguards: lowest tier are ones dragging a rope across the beach
  2. highest tier includes seasoned veterans of life guarding, ages range from 28 to mid-life-crisis; can be identified by their leathery skin and bombastic personalities.
  3. the isolation lifeguard stand: degenerate lifeguards are sent here to withstand excruciating conversation with Andrew (aka apex lifeguard)
  4. As Andrew sat royally on his ivory tower, we overheard him telling an unfortunate victim an anticlimactic story of his night out: "so I wake up, I don't know where I am and I have four phone numbers and a piece of shrimp in my pocket!"
  5. middle tier lifeguards are social butterflies sporting a 2003 aesthetic, equipped with a shark tooth necklace and frosted tips to match; usually look like the escaped love interest of a Mary Kate and Ashly movie.
  6. Heavyset lifeguard who reigns supreme at the snack shack; usually has complexion resembling a sea urchin. Comic relief for the others.
    Suggested by   @Campbelm15
  7. semi-guard: family friends of a lifeguard; usually self-conscious about being taken seriously. Steps behind the yellow rope that separates the lifeguards from the plebeians. Can be easily mistaken for an average beach goer.
    Suggested by   @Campbelm15