THE SECRET LIFE OF LIFEGUARDS
a log of our research on the lifeguard activity at our local beach
- •caste-system of lifeguards: lowest tier are ones dragging a rope across the beach
- •highest tier includes seasoned veterans of life guarding, ages range from 28 to mid-life-crisis; can be identified by their leathery skin and bombastic personalities.
- •the isolation lifeguard stand: degenerate lifeguards are sent here to withstand excruciating conversation with Andrew (aka apex lifeguard)
- •As Andrew sat royally on his ivory tower, we overheard him telling an unfortunate victim an anticlimactic story of his night out: "so I wake up, I don't know where I am and I have four phone numbers and a piece of shrimp in my pocket!"
- •middle tier lifeguards are social butterflies sporting a 2003 aesthetic, equipped with a shark tooth necklace and frosted tips to match; usually look like the escaped love interest of a Mary Kate and Ashly movie.
- •Heavyset lifeguard who reigns supreme at the snack shack; usually has complexion resembling a sea urchin. Comic relief for the others.Suggested by @Campbelm15
- •semi-guard: family friends of a lifeguard; usually self-conscious about being taken seriously. Steps behind the yellow rope that separates the lifeguards from the plebeians. Can be easily mistaken for an average beach goer.Suggested by @Campbelm15