THINGS THAT EVERYONE SHOULD DO BUT WHICH I FEEL LIKE SOMEONE SHOULD CONGRATULATE ME FOR DOING

  1. 1.
    Washing my hands after I go to the bathroom
  2. 2.
    Using less than five paper towels after washing aforementioned hands
  3. 3.
    Picking up the phone ever
  4. 4.
    Picking up a gum wrapper or some other comparable discardable item that has fallen out of my pocket as I was walking down the street
  5. 5.
    Holding the aforementioned item until I find a trash can
  6. 6.
    Depositing aforementioned item in trash can
  7. 7.
    Not telling people what I am really feeling or thinking when to do so would be 100% socially inappropriate
  8. 8.
    Being nice to my landlord ever
  9. 9.
    Flossing
  10. 10.
    Remembering good friends' birthdays
  11. 11.
    Remembering family members' birthdays
  12. 12.
    Not using too many emoticons or exclamation points and being selective with use of semicolons
  13. 13.
    Not expecting gay men to fall in love with me
  14. 14.
    Choosing to read a book instead of watching tv ever
  15. 15.
    Not talking through a movie in a movie theater when I don't like the movie or even when I do like it
  16. 16.
    Listening to other human beings instead of just talking
  17. 17.
    Being a somewhat functional member of society
  18. 18.
    Not screaming out loud when walking down the street in bitterly cold winter
  19. 19.
    Not being bankrupt
  20. 20.
    Smiling at one stranger a month