CURRENT MUDDLE

This is just my emotional steam and I apologize for the bad content. (Recommended that you know the premise of Lewis's The Great Divorce before you continue reading.)
  1. I babysat tonight.
  2. When the girls went to bed, I sat on the leather armchair between the fireplace and the Christmas tree to read The Great Divorce.
  3. I've already been excited about this book because the entire fifth chapter is a covert dialogue between a Spirit and The Ghost of Matthew Arnold.
    I just learned to recognize Arnold's key ideas in my Victorian Literature class.
  4. But anyway, I'm plugging along and getting continually more uncomfortable. There are a lot of Ghosts that sound like me.
    Particularly the grumbler in the middle of Chapter 9, the controlling wife in Chapter 10, and Pam from Chapter 11.
  5. And then I get to Chapter 12. Sarah Smith from Golders Green.
    "Who ate all these young men and women on each side?" "They are her sons and daughters." "She must have had a very large family, Sir." "Every young man or boy that met her became her son—even if it was in the boy that brought the meat to the back door. Every girl she met was her daughter."
  6. And I...burst into tears.
  7. Good tears. Longing, confessional, adoring tears that God loves.
  8. But still. Tears.
    Unexpected tears that I can barely attribute to stress and not at all attribute to hormones.
  9. And combined with the guilt of feeling like the Ghosts, I am just all sorts of confused after reading this book.
  10. I am revisiting the childhood idea that I can do nothing well, that my soul is saved but the human condition has broken me beyond repair, that everything I have been leaning into is a lie.
    Maybe not quite that drastic. But almost.
  11. But anyways...
  12. I need a sounding board for this book.
    Preferably one I can talk to tonight.
  13. And I know who would be my sounding board without hesitation—
    —but I've already asked too much of her this semester.
  14. And I know who I would want as my sounding board—
    —but that person does not exist for me any more.
  15. And I'm frustrated for wanting the person that I want, because I understand very well with my mind that our relationship has ceased to exist.
    Before, I would be heard out because the conversation was interesting and important. Now, I would be heard out because it's the polite thing to do. Ick.
  16. And I'm also roiling in weird feelings because of this book.
  17. Combined, those two things are just not great.
  18. And @squad is gone.
    @AliciaNF26 is gone FOREVER (ok, we won't see each other til the summer. But I mean)
  19. And I feel like I've been acting overbearing and self-righteous anyways, so...
  20. UGH
  21. ...
  22. We're done now.