because God knows you're all doing it wrong
  1. plan your entire trip around food
    after all, why else would you go anywhere
  2. plan at least one day to look like a complete and total sea urchin
    no one cares
  3. avoid shoes and bras as much as humanly possible
    the last thing you want on vacation is to feel like a real person with real person responsibilities
  4. budget in nap time
    or at least "I'm hiding in my room so I don't kill my family" time
  5. avoid tourist destinatins
    the last thing I, a tourist, want is to be around other tourists obviously
  6. for the love of god don't go to a theme park
    unless you're the parent of small children or simply a masochist
  7. commemorate it in some way on your last day
    so you never forget the time you were chased by pigeons or had a handprint sunburned onto your skin