WAYS MY BABY HURTS ME
I love my kid guys. But if babies were any bigger or more agile, they would straight up murder everyone.
- •Pulls my hair to get my attention
- •Bites my nose with her one (ONE!) snaggletooth, and cuts me with the tiniest of daggers
- •Bangs her head into my shoulder and neck repeatedly
- •I lift her in the air to give her joy, and she kicks me in the eye
- •Slaps me in the face because she is excited to see me
- •While breastfeeding she tries to milk me like the cow I now am, and her tiny talons leave scratches all over my chest
- •Thinks lower lips are funny, and tugs on mine so hard she leaves a sore inside
- •Falls asleep on my arm and permanently atrophies my muscles
- •Worst of all, leaves tiny plastic toys all over my house. If the babies don't kill us, the tiny plastic things definitely will.