WAYS MY BABY HURTS ME

I love my kid guys. But if babies were any bigger or more agile, they would straight up murder everyone.
  1. Pulls my hair to get my attention
  2. Bites my nose with her one (ONE!) snaggletooth, and cuts me with the tiniest of daggers
  3. Bangs her head into my shoulder and neck repeatedly
  4. I lift her in the air to give her joy, and she kicks me in the eye
  5. Slaps me in the face because she is excited to see me
  6. While breastfeeding she tries to milk me like the cow I now am, and her tiny talons leave scratches all over my chest
  7. Thinks lower lips are funny, and tugs on mine so hard she leaves a sore inside
  8. Falls asleep on my arm and permanently atrophies my muscles
  9. Worst of all, leaves tiny plastic toys all over my house. If the babies don't kill us, the tiny plastic things definitely will.