ALTERNATIVE FIGHTING TECHNIQUES SO WE CAN ALL STOP HURTING EACH OTHER

Duels, fights, squabbles, disagreements... done right.
  1. Squirt Guns
    Hear me out. Just real enough to give you the satisfaction of a real duel, only harmless! Better, they'll cool you off and it's silly enough that you'll remember you're both humans who deserve love and respect.
  2. Shakespearean Insults
    Instead of passive aggressive fighting words, try out fancy fighting words that will stun them with your affluence. Educate one another, and afterwards compare research methods. Bonus: have a librarian on-call for emergency definitions.
  3. Giraffe Fights
    Not like that! You'll be using your neck to fight, so you'll probably think twice about whether or not it's worth it to hurt each other this way. Maybe they're not so bad after all. If you must fight, this is more interesting for the rest of us to watch.
  4. Bake-off
    All arguments should be settled by a baking contest. If there are more than two battles in a day, rules shall be extended to allow for breakfast-off, lunch-off, or dinner-off so the judges don't OD on sugar.
  5. GIF Fight
    Duel with GIFS. Reactions and cats given special consideration.
  6. Telephone style argument
    Have your ten closest friends sit between you and your enemy. Whisper the insult in your friends ear and they'll whisper it along- by the time it gets to the enemy it'll be silly!