11 THINGS I HAVE DONE SINCE I GOT DUMPED TWO HOURS AGO (IN SEQUENTIAL ORDER)

  1. 1.
    Texted "smh" to the dude who dumped me
  2. 2.
    Scolded my two month old puppy for shitting on the rug
  3. 3.
    Experienced violent wave of guilt (see monstrous behavior in item 2)
  4. 4.
    Cried and apologized to puppy
  5. 5.
    "how could you have known you're just a baby"
  6. 6.
    Ordered dominoes without consciously deciding to do so
  7. 7.
    Felt pissed about Zooey Deschanels good day eclipsing my bad day
  8. 8.
    Wondered if I could rebound with dominoes delivery guy
  9. 9.
    Rebounded with this guy instead
  10. 10.
    Ate most of a medium pizza
  11. 11.
    Resolved to finish pizza in the morning