Alcohols I Have Abused and Never Will Again

God save my liver
  1. Four Loko
    The Four Loko you know now is nothing of its hardo predecessor. The original Four Loko was a combination of 6.6 beers, energy drink, virgin tears, and some terrible fruit chemical flavor that never masked how bad this actually fucking was. If you drink it you'll immediately feel the effects of the energy drink buttfucking the alcohol, 10 minutes later if you werent puking, you were the antichrist. Never again, Four Loko you devil disguised in a colorful can.
  2. Dubra
    If you don't know what Dubra is is, good, you've done something right with your life. If you do know the Dirty D, you'll know that somewhere between the transaction of you actually giving a legal tender to buy such a liquid and you holding the liquid in your hand saying "Im going to consume this" you might have had a slight aneurism. It's the black sheep of the vodka family, and if your caught fraternizing with it you best be pretending to use it as nail polish remover.
  3. Natty Ice
    Water, mixed with dirt, and shame. If you are caught getting drunk off this, be prepared for eternal embarrassment. It takes like a whole 30 to get drunk too, waste of money, time, and self respect.
  4. Burnetts
    Wow so many flavors, which one haven't I puked up yet? Burnetts is such a fuck boy, you give it the benefit of the doubt every weekend that it's not gonna fuck you over but alas here you are at the toilet again. Do you know that they make a sugar cookie vodka? Please send help to the board table of Burnetts, God forbid they're probably trashed 24/7.
  5. Boxed Wine
    Ever got drunk off boxed Chianti? Please I don't advise it. Wine is so sophisticated and we have deduced and reduced it into a box. Slapping the bag, please stop PHYSICALLY abusing the alcohol, just pump that chemical into your body without making a huge scene.
  6. Black Velvet
    This cheap whiskey will line your stomach and sit there for about 8 days. Idk, I don't really suggest drinking liquor that's the shade of dirt. "Velvet" is the exact opposite of what this liquor actually is, it's so harsh you might as well be eating little shards of glass. I'm not fucking kidding, this shits painful. Most people who buy this liquor accompany it with PEPSI, not COKE, PEPSI...and that in itself is someone/something in which you don't want to associate with.
  7. Smirnoff
    Just like its insestual cousin Burnetts, Smirnoff could be up there in ranking for the worst of the vodkas. Every college freshman will drunkenly cry under the influence of this devil juice at least 7 times. But wait !!!! Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, Smirnoff spawned some malt liquor mutants called SMIRNOFF ICES. Frat boys even created a game centered around em (ICING) that includes hiding em and chugging em when found, usually ending with forceful touching of women's butts.
  8. Buzzballz
    I found one of these, unopened, on the floor of a house party. It was lukewarm and I was already drunk. My freshmen self welcomed this buzzball warmly and then I blacked out and peed on someone's bathmat.
    Suggested by   @robinmorriz