My Dream Commencement Speech for the Class of 2016

I graduated last week & this didn't happen
  1. First of all, it's done by Kevin Spacey
  2. But he is in character as Frank Underwood
  3. It is no longer than 25 minutes
  4. Point 1) you did not just waste 4 years here
  5. Point 2) keep your friends close, but keep that frenemy closer
  6. Point 3) a witty joke/story of his time at the Citadel
  7. Point 4) Claire Underwood gets a shout out & the camera pans to her on the Jumbotron next to our university's First Lady
  8. Point 5) Reassurance that we'll all find jobs but it is said esoterically & with enough snark that half of us realize we are doomed
  9. Point 6) a joke about hiring a few of us for his staff
  10. Point 7) manages to sneak in an insult about our rival university, making some joke tying in that rivalry with politics & the national election
  11. Point 8) a well-written final sentence along the lines of "your experiences shape you, now you can shape others."
  12. Point 9) HE DOES THE RING TAP THING ON THE PODIUM
  13. The arena erupts in applause; under all of our chairs are "Underwood '16" shirts & a reference letter written by Spacey