HOGWARTS PROFESSORS, RANKED BY HOW MUCH I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE BRUNCH WITH THEM

From "I'd rather eat rusty nails" to "I'd sell my first-born for this." 🍳🍴🍷
  1. 13.
    Dolores fucking Umbridge
    No no no no no. This awful lady is definitely like "really, you're ordering pancakes? That's a lot of carbs, sweetie." She judges my mimosa ("this early, dear?"), orders only yogurt and fruit, insists on paying, then tips like 3%. GOD no.
  2. 12.
    Mad-Eye Moody (the fake one)
    Sounds dangerous! Barty Crouch Jr. is not a person to be trifled with.
  3. 11.
    Quirinus Quirrell
    I bet I'm in a salty mood this whole brunch thanks to the mini-Voldy living on his head. So, not ideal.
  4. 10.
    Severus Snape
    This is a brunch filled with awkward silences, and he probably takes forever to eat and at 2 pm I'm still waiting for him to finish his hash browns. No thank you.
  5. 9.
    Horace Slughorn
    Am I even elite enough to dine with this man? Probably not. I'm not sure I could cope with all the name dropping but maybe he'd bring some dried fruit?
  6. 8.
    Mad-Eye Moody (the real one)
    Still a grump, but not a murderer at least?
  7. 7.
    Sybill Trelawney
    Worth going on the off-chance that she makes a valid prediction. Or maybe not. Her last premonition launched two wizarding wars and this is almost guaranteed awkwardness.
  8. 6.
    Gilderoy Lockhart
    This would actually be kind of fun! He probably gets a little drunk and tells a ton more bullshit stories but it would be like watching a reality show. And he doesn't judge my carb-heavy meal.
  9. 5.
    Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore
    I leave this brunch full of sage wisdom but also kind of confused. He treats, tips the server like 40%, and we split dessert.
  10. 4.
    Remus Lupin
    So cool. This is the kind of guy that lets you just talk about yourself the whole time because he's got such a good heart and wants you to feel good about yourself. He totally picks up the bill too.
  11. 3.
    Rubeus Hagrid
    Would show up still drunk from the night before. A wonderful guy though, and I'd probably leave with really good gossip that I have to pretend I didn't hear.
  12. 2.
    Neville Longbottom
    I flirt the whole way through this brunch.
  13. 1.
    Minerva McGonagall
    YASSS QUEEN. She is such a badass. We have fun, sassy conversation and talk about feminism. I leave this brunch motivated to get my shit together, then I actually do. Life-changing brunch.