HOGWARTS PROFESSORS, RANKED BY HOW MUCH I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE BRUNCH WITH THEM
From "I'd rather eat rusty nails" to "I'd sell my first-born for this." 🍳🍴🍷
- •Dolores fucking UmbridgeNo no no no no. This awful lady is definitely like "really, you're ordering pancakes? That's a lot of carbs, sweetie." She judges my mimosa ("this early, dear?"), orders only yogurt and fruit, insists on paying, then tips like 3%. GOD no.
- •Mad-Eye Moody (the fake one)Sounds dangerous! Barty Crouch Jr. is not a person to be trifled with.
- •Quirinus QuirrellI bet I'm in a salty mood this whole brunch thanks to the mini-Voldy living on his head. So, not ideal.
- •Severus SnapeThis is a brunch filled with awkward silences, and he probably takes forever to eat and at 2 pm I'm still waiting for him to finish his hash browns. No thank you.
- •Horace SlughornAm I even elite enough to dine with this man? Probably not. I'm not sure I could cope with all the name dropping but maybe he'd bring some dried fruit?
- •Mad-Eye Moody (the real one)Still a grump, but not a murderer at least?
- •Sybill TrelawneyWorth going on the off-chance that she makes a valid prediction. Or maybe not. Her last premonition launched two wizarding wars and this is almost guaranteed awkwardness.
- •Gilderoy LockhartThis would actually be kind of fun! He probably gets a little drunk and tells a ton more bullshit stories but it would be like watching a reality show. And he doesn't judge my carb-heavy meal.
- •Albus Percival Wulfric Brian DumbledoreI leave this brunch full of sage wisdom but also kind of confused. He treats, tips the server like 40%, and we split dessert.
- •Remus LupinSo cool. This is the kind of guy that lets you just talk about yourself the whole time because he's got such a good heart and wants you to feel good about yourself. He totally picks up the bill too.
- •Rubeus HagridWould show up still drunk from the night before. A wonderful guy though, and I'd probably leave with really good gossip that I have to pretend I didn't hear.
- •Neville LongbottomI flirt the whole way through this brunch.
- •Minerva McGonagallYASSS QUEEN. She is such a badass. We have fun, sassy conversation and talk about feminism. I leave this brunch motivated to get my shit together, then I actually do. Life-changing brunch.