MY MORNING ROUTINE

on a work day.
  1. Hit the snooze button at least 3 times.
    The alarm goes off 6:20. Then again at 6:29, 6:38, and 6:47. And sometimes 6:56 and 7:05. Yes, I realize I could just set the alarm for a later time but nah.
  2. Consider calling out of work.
    Realize I can't because of a meeting, or a project that needs to get done, or just my general work ethic because I know I'm not sick or otherwise incapacitated.
  3. Say mean things in my head to get myself out of bed.
    "Get up you lazy slob" is something I think about myself most mornings.
  4. Pee whilst scrolling through various social media.
    This wastes wayyyy more time than I mean for it to.
  5. Take Sammy outside to go potty.
    Sometimes he is efficient, and sometimes he feels like he needs to sniff everything he sees very thoroughly. He mostly procrastinates when it is raining or freezing cold.
  6. Feed Sammy.
    This entails getting a very happy golden retriever to "sit nicely" while I scoop his food and drizzle it with water.
  7. Assess the dirtiness level of my hair.
    It can usually go a couple days, but if I have something I need to look nice for, then I wash it in the shower. Otherwise I just wash the bod.
  8. Scramble around trying to put together an outfit.
    Stare into my closet, hating all my clothes.
  9. Blow-dry and straighten my hair, if applicable.
    Unplug straightener, if applicable. Tell my dog I unplugged it. Announce to myself that I unplugged it and take a good long look at the outlet that has nothing plugged into it.
  10. Embark upon the task that is makeup.
    Makeup is really fun and cool, but it is like a 17- minute undertaking. Foundation, brows, eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara, highlighter if I'm feeling fancy.
  11. Check the ETA for the bus.
    Either go "omg shit" or "oh good I have time".
  12. Chug water.
    I wake up so thirsty but always forget about it.
  13. Get dressed.
    I normally do the hair and makeup routine in a tank top with no pants on because otherwise I get too hot and my hair gets frizzy even whilst I straighten it.
  14. Check the ETA for the bus again.
    Probably at the "oh shit" point by now.
  15. Make sure the straightener is unplugged.
    It is, always. But I have to check.
  16. Make sure the toilet is not overflowing.
    Another paranoia of mine. It is always fine.
  17. Grab keys, phone, Ventra pass, say bye to the dog, and run out the door.
    Worry about straightener, toilet, and "did I lock the door?" on the walk to the bus stop. Wonder about state of mental health.
  18. Get on the bus.
    Hate all other human beings on bus, except the little kids because they're still little and innocent.
  19. Scroll through various social media on bus.
    Realize this is giving me a headache, and stop. Stare out window contemplating life, trying to remember if I unplugged the straightener, and craving coffee.
  20. Get off bus at stop and walk two blocks to the office.
    Appreciate weather on the walk if it's nice. Consider Starbucks but never actually go.
  21. Get to work! Log in and check email.
    Since I have email on my phone it's always up to date, but I still need it to be the first thing I open.
  22. Go "omg I need coffee" and get some coffee immediately.
    The coffee they have at work is actually Starbucks house blend and it's pretty tasty.
  23. Contemplate breakfast.
    Oatmeal? No it's so boring. Bagel? Not healthy. Muffin? Even worse. Nothing at all? But then I'll be ravenous by 10 am.
  24. Get oatmeal.
    Cinnamon spice flavor with two packs of peanut butter. Add too much hot water to it and realize I'm eating oatmeal peanut buttery soup once again.
  25. Now the day has begun!