"SO WHEN ARE YOU HAVING KIDS?"

  1. As a married woman in her late twenties, I am often asked this question.
  2. Usually it comes from someone who doesn't know me very well and is trying to make friendly small talk.
  3. While I understand that the intention is usually good, this question makes my BLOOD. BOIL.
  4. And here's why!
  5. This is a deeply personal question. When you casually ask someone when they will be starting a family, this is what it can feel like you're actually asking about.
  6. Intimate sex life details.
    When someone asks me when I'll be having kids, it feels incredibly invasive. What my husband and I do or do not use is only between us. I've literally been asked "are you on birth control?" What. The. Fuck. Is that your business, really? Which leads me to...
  7. Personal health details.
    There are some couples who are unable to conceive. There are some women who struggle to carry a child full-term. And some couples who have been trying to conceive for years unsuccessfully. These things can be deeply personal and sensitive and are not small-talk topics.
  8. Financial details.
    A lot of what is holding my generation back from having kids is finances. I know that in a perfect world, I'd have a much healthier bank account before becoming a parent. So if you ask a couple when they plan to have a child, you might be asking them if they can afford it. And that doesn't feel very good.
  9. General life goals.
    It may come as a shock but there are many women and men who do not want to become parents and actively choose not to. There are some people who want to travel, or buy a home, or get a degree before becoming a parent. But this, once again, is a very personal thing that not everyone wants to discuss.
  10. I know most people don't realize what a loaded question this can be. But it is. It's imposing and invasive and honestly, it's not appropriate for a small-talk setting (which is where it is usually asked in my experience).
  11. I'd be interested to know if anyone has ever gotten an actual answer to this question. Like with details about planning to try or real reasons why they're not.
    I'm thinking probably not.
  12. And if you've ever asked a couple this question knowing it will make them squirm, laugh uncomfortably and say "haha um I don't know maybe someday"... you're a very unique type of mean and I hope you stop doing that.
  13. So be cool, be respectful, and let me live.