THINGS THAT DON'T WORK

In my experience, anyway!
  1. Green primers
    My complexion laughs in the face of green primers that claim to neutralize redness. Maybe if you have a dainty cast of pinkness to your cheeks but my skin is not fucking around.
  2. The "cigarette lighter" in my car
    Lol hasn't since I bought the car. Guess I can never charge my phone while driving.
  3. Ventra cards, some of the time
    The sound of a Ventra card getting rejected after several seconds of silence while the system tries to process it is burned into my brain.
  4. eos lip balms
    Hate to break it to you but you are buying into the marketing. These do nothing.
  5. Waist trainers, probably
    Unless your goal is smushing your organs and your rib cage, in which case, mission accomplished.
  6. Google maps
    I don't know guys, it took my friends and me an hour out of our way on what should have been an easy trip from Chicago to the Wisconsin Dells.
  7. The voice command function on Xbox one
    We go "Xbox, pause" and it responds like "Can't 'play music' from here" 😡
  8. Sitting and stressing about your problems
    I'm guilty of this more than anything but all you've really done is work yourself into a tizzy and the problem still stands.
  9. Eating your feelings
    Fun while it lasts, but it just makes you feel worse in the long run. (I should take my own advice.)
  10. Shopping your feelings
    Another fun one! Until you look at your bank account.
  11. Changing yourself for someone else
    This doesn't matter if it's a friendship, romantic relationship, family relationship, etc. In the end you either lose yourself, or you find you weren't compatible with that person anyway.
  12. Those little built-in shelf bras in camisoles
    Unless you're in elementary school, I can't imagine this is even remotely effective.