Things I Imagine Pantene Used As Thought-Starters To Develop Their New Scent

They changed their scent without any warning and now I'm stuck with two giant bottles of obnoxiously sweet goop to begrudgingly work through. I blame Selena Gomez.
  1. "If cotton candy were a person and they crammed in next to you on the subway on a hot day."
  2. "Cause of death: Drowning in a vat of cereal milk made purely from Froot Loops."
  3. "Doing lines of pixie sticks."
  4. "Attacked simultaneously by all the body sprays at Victoria's Secret."
  5. "Whatever the Lucky Charms leprechaun's shit smells like."
  6. "The exact scent necessary to make a 30-something lifelong customer of ours realize that she's no longer part of our demo and that our priority is appealing to teenage girls instead." 🙄