IT'S YA BOY STANNIS: MY ATTEMPT AT A TWITTER PARODY ACCOUNT

A couple months ago I had the brilliant idea of making a Stannis Baratheon parody Twitter account. Never actually made it, but here are the ideas I had for tweets. (PLEASE BE NICE TO ME I AM NOT A PROFESSIONAL COMEDIAN 😩)
  1. Day 3456: Still not King. Yet.
  2. *checks phone* 5 missed calls; 10 new texts. From guess who. That's right. Davos. Clearly I should have chopped off the fingers of his other hand while I was at it.
  3. I think Selyse likes Melisandre better than me. I'd worry about it if I actually cared about Selyse. Or Melisandre.
  4. Should probably warn servants not to make any suggestions to Melisandre re: her wardrobe lest they desire the Lord of Light to have need of them.
  5. It is damned cold here in the North, why did no one tell me to pack a damned CLOAK. The fires of my righteous rage can only keep me warm for so long.
  6. "They say Stannis never smiles." Damn right. Smiling is for the weak.
  7. Must ask Davos to stop styling himself as my hype man whenever we enter a room or meet someone new.
  8. Pleased to see that my teeth are still flawless despite all the grinding. NO YOU CAN'T SEE THEM. THAT WOULD REQUIRE SMILING.