DRAWBACKS OF THE MIDWEST
I'm a New England snob
- •No one knows Bertucci'sImplications: you can't go to Bertucci's, you can't talk about Bertucci's, pleople don't understand your need for an Italian restaurant that sells 10 dinner rolls for a dollar
- •Jack in the Box, Steak 'n Shake, A&W, Fazoli'sWhy would anyone do this to their body? Love yourself.
- •Frozen custardGood, but nothing tops Vermont's Jewish golden boys' creamy, old fashioned, New England ice cream.
- •Seeing a pattern?
- •There's more.
- •Deep dishSatanae pizza (Latin)
- •Let's break this down
- •Thick crustNo one is trying to eat a whole loaf of bread when they order a pizza
- •Cheese then sauceWhat are they trying to hide?
- •Answer: large rounds of fatty sausage.Pretty sure even if you order vegetarian there's still sausage hidden in there. It's Cook County law.
- •Knife and fork are required for consumption.
- •Did I cover all its flaws? Please notify me of any missing inadequacies.
- •Topographical banalityThe largest elevation change in the Midwest is my DICK
- •CentralityImplication: life is Chicago or bust.
- •Where is the ocean?Implication: I don't trust any of the seafood that I'm not rich enough to buy.
- •Absent of any familial relations"Aw Hannah's so sweet, she misses her family!" Jokes on you because I really just miss the free food provided by my parents.