I'm a New England snob
  1. No one knows Bertucci's
    Implications: you can't go to Bertucci's, you can't talk about Bertucci's, pleople don't understand your need for an Italian restaurant that sells 10 dinner rolls for a dollar
  2. Jack in the Box, Steak 'n Shake, A&W, Fazoli's
    Why would anyone do this to their body? Love yourself.
  3. Frozen custard
    Good, but nothing tops Vermont's Jewish golden boys' creamy, old fashioned, New England ice cream.
  4. Seeing a pattern?
  5. There's more.
  6. Deep dish
    Satanae pizza (Latin)
  7. Let's break this down
  8. Thick crust
    No one is trying to eat a whole loaf of bread when they order a pizza
  9. Cheese then sauce
    What are they trying to hide?
  10. Answer: large rounds of fatty sausage.
    Pretty sure even if you order vegetarian there's still sausage hidden in there. It's Cook County law.
  11. Knife and fork are required for consumption.
  12. Did I cover all its flaws? Please notify me of any missing inadequacies.
  13. Topographical banality
    The largest elevation change in the Midwest is my DICK
  14. Centrality
    Implication: life is Chicago or bust.
  15. Where is the ocean?
    Implication: I don't trust any of the seafood that I'm not rich enough to buy.
  16. Absent of any familial relations
    "Aw Hannah's so sweet, she misses her family!" Jokes on you because I really just miss the free food provided by my parents.