DATES I'VE BEEN ON IN NYC
I've been on some terrible dates. Here are just a few.
- •Finance Bro. Also known as the one who paid with a GroupOn at a Chinese restaurant in Herald Square. I'll repeat...Herald. Square.Why I agreed to go on a date with a finance bro in HERALD SQUARE on a SUNDAY at 6PM at a restaurant with a "B" rating from the health dept. remains unclear. During dinner he laughed about being in a frat in college known nationally for date rapes (troubling). He paid with a GroupOn, then asked me to pay the tip, then tried to make out with me in front of Macy's. I left feeling sad I wasn't worth at least a Gilt coupon and/or an "A" rated restaurant. Total Dates: 1, because HE DIDN'T CALL ME AGAN
- •French Saxophonist/Stand Up Comedian/possible axe murdererI thought his bohemian lifestyle was RIGHT UP MY ALLEY. A saxophonist and a stand up comedian with an accent?! Count me in! Until he spent the night for the first time and while laying on my bed asked "where do you buy one of these things?" He owns his own apartment but has been living on a couch for SEVEN YEARS because he didn't realize Sleepy's exists! And it's not even a fold-out couch. I don't know. None of it makes sense. But I believe only sociopaths don't have beds. Total dates: 3.
- •The Google Engineer who didn't want to pay for a can of PBRHe was REALLY into splitting things down the middle. I was cool going Dutch until an ill-fated night at UCB. He asked me if I wanted a beer, I said yes. When I revealed I only had two dollars on my person, he decided we should split a $4 can of PBR, to keep it even. He wasn't into sharing a can (because it might not be evenly split). The whole thing was weird. And then he didn't even like UCB. BOY, BYE! Total dates: 2. I told him I moved to DC. I have not. But I DID sign up for improv classes.
- •The Giant DildoWent on a coffee date at 4pmET with some guy I met online. He was nice enough but I wasn't interested. Later that night, I got a series of images of him holding a giant dildo in various poses in a way that made it seem like he wanted me to think the huge (and I mean HUGE) fake penis was real. My response? "Cool apartment" (I mean it was nice - so many windows!). I DID save the photos - I'd include them here but I don't want to be banned from this app for life. Total dates: 1
- •He wears his sunglasses at night (not as charming as the song makes it seem)Went on a date to a bar at 9pm and he wore his plastic sunglasses the WHOLE TIME. It got to a point where I had to ask if he had a medical issue. He did not. It was just part of his "look." I told him my boss was calling and left early. Dates: 0.5
- •CruditéWent for our first date at the NoMad Bar aka so hip, so cool, so much good food. He ordered a $40 plate of crudité. I didn't understand why he couldn't just give ME $40 and I could buy some baby carrots and keep the change. He'd get the same appetizer and I'd get money. A win-win. I mean, WHO ORDERS THAT AT THE NOMAD?! Or anywhere for that matter. Total dates: We dated for 8 months and he never ordered raw vegetables again. MORAL OF THE STORY: bad dates can have good endings sometimes