The meet cute that never was.
  1. You were at the SNL after party, presumably with a real invitation to get in.
    You knew all the writers and had actual friends there.
  2. I was at the SNL after party, but my roommate and I were snuck in by a 79-year old Sicilian man who thinks there's a secret government controlling the president.
    He was a gem and he might not be wrong. Although I'm willing to talk about that another time
  3. I had a drink or two and started ~dancing- as a means to look like I belonged.
    I don't think it worked
  4. You, a bearded ginger, in a red windbreaker, came up and joined the dance party
    Normally red doesn't work on gingers, but somehow you made it a very ~*kewl*~ look.
  5. We talked about bar mitzvahs and Rihanna.
    You are VERY fond of Rihanna. I'm VERY fond of bar mitzvahs. A match made in heaven.
  6. You leaned in and said something inaudible
    Your beard felt soft and I'd like to use it as a pillow.
  7. Then you went somewhere. And then I left. And we didn't exchange names. Or numbers.
    And now my potential NYT wedding announcement won't say "They met at the SNL after party" and Fred Armisen will probably never officiate my wedding.
  8. BUT! I found you on Instagram by *DRUNK CREEPIN*
    My CREEPIN' specialty is DRUNK CREEPIN'. How many bearded gingers are in a city of 8 million? I mean, really. Probably very few. ALSO everyone go and put your Instagram on private because anyone can find you. Including that person you danced with for a few hours
    Talk about a plot twist. Which twin did I dance with? The one with the girlfriend or the one without?! A CREEPER'S GOTTA KNOW!
  10. But I'm very interested in two-for-one deals at the grocery store, so this seems like an ideal situation
    Two bearded gingers for the price of one!
  11. I'll never reach out because a creeper never reveals her tricks and one restraining order is probably one too many!
    But fine, I'll subscribe to your podcast and imagine your dance moves from afar