This morning we were down 1000 points 📉 (I gave up writing this at 12pmET yesterday because it turns it was a remarkably unremarkable day. And it would have never seen the light of day if not for DRAFTWEEK2015)
  1. Wake up, feel nervous
    Forget why you're nervous. Check work email. Question why the hell people were emailing about the price of crude oil at 3:30amET this morning and wonder who the hell would care, then remember... BLACKMONDAYBLACKMONDAYBLACKMONDAY.
  2. Realize your boss went on the Today Show this morning
    Jim tells people to consider buying stocks at the end of the day. Curse CNBC and insider trading rules for prohibiting you from buying stocks (ughhhh laws, amiright).
  3. Think about Janet Yellen. Hope she's well.
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    Some people are real mad the Fed hasn't come out and said they won't hike interest rates in September. I, on the other hand, have an affinity for the Fed Reserve chairwoman and I hope she gets a vacation soon. I know nothing about her really, except one time I found this pic of her kissing her husband (it's titled "pelikiss" online) and now I'm obsessed.
  4. Try to ignore the email you get from your EP while you're at Starbucks at 9:30amET.
    "DOW'S DOWN 1k!!!!" You know what can wait? The Dow. The market closes at 4pm, so we basically have all day. You know what can't wait? This Starbucks barista. I'm holding up the line.
  5. Get into work, people yell "Happy Black Monday!"
    By "people," I mean "me." Boooooy do we have fun.
  6. Think hard about what you would do if YOU had to email Tim Cook.
    If I emailed Tim Cook my palms would be sweating but Cramer does it and keeps it ~chill~. In fairness, I once shook Tim's hand (still haven't washed it... It's been 4 months) and he has a weak handshake! But he was so kind and his southern drawl was so charming, it was easy to look past.
  7. Wonder if Tim Cook used Siri to write back to Cramer (who then read the response on air)
    If I know Tim like I think I do (I don't), he was probably on his morning bike ride and Siri was his only option (does Tim Cook even own a bike? Unclear). Was he worried about typos? Sometimes Siri is the worst (sorry, Sir, LYLAS). Anyways, Apple and the Dow head higher and we all high five that Jim got the scoop!
  8. Nod a lot
    Cramer comes in and starts rattling off numbers from 1997. I spend a majority of my morning vigorously nodding my head, trying to pretend that in 1997 I thought about things other than whether I loved 'Nsync or Backstreet Boys more. I didn't 😬
  9. Google "stock market 1997"
    Hope no one sees.
  10. Act surprised when Cramer gets a salad for lunch
    I feel like today calls for pizza? No? Just me?