TYPES OF PEOPLE YOU FIND ON A NERD BIRD
I fly, a lot. Most of my flying is on a route heavy with tech workers. These are my observations (any resemblance to passengers on Alaska flight 200 from Seattle to San Jose at 6AM are never meant to get back to them shhhhh)
- •The vacationing family. They are way, way too happy to be in this flight full of sales people, engineers and other tech workers. They joy at traveling makes everyone else hate the trip just a little bit more.
- •The overly loud sales guy. Yeah buddy, we all know you work for Microsoft and you're heading to a conference. We feel a little bad for you, but after so many years of a Microsoft led by Balmer we're actually rooting for you a little.
- •The late guy (and it's always a guy). Everyone is on, all the bags stowed and you pop onboard with a look that says "thanks for holding my plane for me." This is your private conveyance and you'll be damned if you can't shove your late bag into the over head crushing the hand made busker instrument of that poor Portlandia bound 20 something guy.
- •The other late guy. Yeah you asshole with the cardigan and the Bill Gates glasses that almost runs down the aisle as if the seat by the toilet is going to be so special that you must get there NOW! You don't care that you nailed every person on your way to the seat that vaguely smells of blue water.
- •The paper reader (also usually a guy). Your old school and that means you can man spread not only your legs, but your arms. Doesn't matter that you're knocking someone's bag of breakfast or dinner mix onto the very sanitary floor. You're well read because you get your news hours after the rest of us.
- •The book reader who needs all the lights on and window open at 6AM or 10PM. You see the squints of your fellow passengers. You even see one of them with a rectangle of sun reflected off the tablet of the person next to you struggling to watch a show on a screen overpowered by the sun, but damn it l, you are a scholar. I see you're reading 50 shades
- •The person who is peeved that first class was sold out and they have to ride with the plebes. They loudly talk about what they're missing, complain about the seats and drop hints of wealth. Yeah, we don't care. If you were really wealthy and flew first class regularly you would either be on a private jet or never be booked in coach by your staff.
- •The road warrior who didn't get the upgrade and now has to buy his drinks. He or she isn't too loud about it because they know they just get a seat when the nearly rich haven't booked them, but you can tell they are annoyed that Thurstin Howell took up a seat in first class and will be drinking as many gin and tonics as he wants.
- •That whiskey drinking tech road warrior female executive. You rock. Seriously. Even if you work for Microsoft.
- •The person who turns on the overhead light to play a game of solitaire on their iPhone. Yeah, you in 11E, it's six o fucking clock in the morning and the rest of us have to work when we land. Unless you're doing an emergency mid-air appendectomy you don't need the light of a million candles lighting up your row.
- •That person (and this can be someone of either sex) who brought their own highly malodorous meal on board. A few hours in this tin can and even that teenager's sugar bomb from Cinnabon is going to give us head aches. What made you think nursing your meal that smells like durian was a bright idea? Next time bring something to seal up the remains.
- •The overly apologetic big guy/woman. Look, we've all put on a few pounds living the road warrior life. No need to apologize or be embarrassed. You had a great attitude, worked with us to accommodate shoulders and do some squishing to fit everyone in and you wore your deodorant and brushed your teeth, more than we can say for that guy over there
- •Beats headphone owners. Don't, just don't talk to us about audio quality and fidelity. You've got a scarlet "b"
- •Leany McLeany Pants. I know you're tired, but rest your weary head on my shoulder and start to drool and you'll wonder why people are staring at you. Yeah, it's the phallus on your forehead.
- •The early leaner. We're barely off the runway when your seat comes crashing back. If I'd been scared of flying and been in crash pose you'd have snapped my neck. As it is you've waved the douche flag and we all know you're that person
- •The bathroom squatter. They know they can't line up by the bathroom in front, but they also know that someone in coach has dealt a blow to the toilet in back. They pose, waiting just outside the curtain and occasionally falling into the people in 6C and 6D. They've really got to go and might let slip a little anticipatory gas. 6C and 6D love them