What NOT to do when approached by a bum at night on a corner in Portland while on vacation

Do the opposite of what's in this listella (list-novella) and the odds will be forever in your favor...or at least until the next street corner.
  1. I went to visit my sister (Holly) in Portland. She moved there a few months ago with her girlfriend (Amy) and wanted to show me everything, including the city at night.
  2. Naturally we decided to hit up Voodoo donuts, a tourist must-see, although there are better donuts around if you ask locals. See also: people who drive a Subaru and have dogs with names like Crispin and Hemlock and #ripcity.
  3. Now I will describe the donuts we got because of course it's relevant to the story.
  4. I was feeling particularly even more gangster than I usually am, so I went with a Marshall Mathers. A lovely donut with cream and M&Ms. We also got a Portland Cream to be classy and a Voodoo doll to be classic.
  5. See, the gif is foreshadowing.
  6. So we leave the shop with a bright pink Voodoo Donuts box that essentially makes you a walking target since 1. You look like the naïve tourist you are 2. The shop only takes cash, so obviously you have money on you.
  7. Then we stand on the street corner while Holly and Amy decide which way they'd rather go. To which I said, "Hey, we probably shouldn't stand here for too long. Let's move and decide from there."
  8. At this point, a bum with a shaved eyebrow replaced by a tattoo walks up and begins telling us how he's been highway robbed all day.
  9. Being the empathetic little bunch we were, we listed to his whole spiel until he said, "So give me some money. Not like $1, like $5." We just stood there. So he continued by saying, "You ever heard of Robin Hood? I'm not robbing you, though I should."
  10. To which my sister's temper and adrenaline kicks in and she yells back in his face, "THOUGH YOU SHOULD?!"
  11. I then point out the light has changed again for the billionth time and push Holly and Amy across the street. He yells after us, "You entitled little bitches!"
  12. At first I was like, that's ironic considering I lived in a trailer park as a child and know that just because you are poor at a point in your life, doesn't mean you can't try to rise above.
  13. And then I was like, oh wow, he thinks I look rich when I'm wearing a top I got at Old Navy on sale for $3. #feelinmyself
  14. My thoughts were interrupted by Holly's insatiable temper and the fact that she yelled back across the street at him, to which Amy added, "You wasted your life!"
  15. At this point he tears across the street towards us and we dip by a security guard and some buff Arabic fellows with motorcycle helmets until the guy sees them and gives up his pursuit. Thanks, unsung heroes of the night.
  16. So really, the lesson here is: NEVER GO TO ANY CITY AT NIGHT WITH MY SISTER.