What NOT to do when approached by a bum at night on a corner in Portland while on vacation
Do the opposite of what's in this listella (list-novella) and the odds will be forever in your favor...or at least until the next street corner.
- •I went to visit my sister (Holly) in Portland. She moved there a few months ago with her girlfriend (Amy) and wanted to show me everything, including the city at night.
- •Naturally we decided to hit up Voodoo donuts, a tourist must-see, although there are better donuts around if you ask locals. See also: people who drive a Subaru and have dogs with names like Crispin and Hemlock and #ripcity.
- •Now I will describe the donuts we got because of course it's relevant to the story.
- •I was feeling particularly even more gangster than I usually am, so I went with a Marshall Mathers. A lovely donut with cream and M&Ms. We also got a Portland Cream to be classy and a Voodoo doll to be classic.
- •See, the gif is foreshadowing.
- •So we leave the shop with a bright pink Voodoo Donuts box that essentially makes you a walking target since 1. You look like the naïve tourist you are 2. The shop only takes cash, so obviously you have money on you.
- •Then we stand on the street corner while Holly and Amy decide which way they'd rather go. To which I said, "Hey, we probably shouldn't stand here for too long. Let's move and decide from there."
- •At this point, a bum with a shaved eyebrow replaced by a tattoo walks up and begins telling us how he's been highway robbed all day.
- •Being the empathetic little bunch we were, we listed to his whole spiel until he said, "So give me some money. Not like $1, like $5." We just stood there. So he continued by saying, "You ever heard of Robin Hood? I'm not robbing you, though I should."
- •To which my sister's temper and adrenaline kicks in and she yells back in his face, "THOUGH YOU SHOULD?!"
- •I then point out the light has changed again for the billionth time and push Holly and Amy across the street. He yells after us, "You entitled little bitches!"
- •At first I was like, that's ironic considering I lived in a trailer park as a child and know that just because you are poor at a point in your life, doesn't mean you can't try to rise above.
- •And then I was like, oh wow, he thinks I look rich when I'm wearing a top I got at Old Navy on sale for $3. #feelinmyself
- •My thoughts were interrupted by Holly's insatiable temper and the fact that she yelled back across the street at him, to which Amy added, "You wasted your life!"
- •At this point he tears across the street towards us and we dip by a security guard and some buff Arabic fellows with motorcycle helmets until the guy sees them and gives up his pursuit. Thanks, unsung heroes of the night.
- •So really, the lesson here is: NEVER GO TO ANY CITY AT NIGHT WITH MY SISTER.