FOODS THAT NEED TO GET OUT OF MY LIFE

  1. Onions
    I'm sorry if you like onions but I'm about to go HAM on these smelly motherfuckers. I feel like onions are a divisive enough food that they SHOULD NEVER be automatically on anything. And don't come at me with "not even cooked onions?!" NO. NO ONIONS EVER. I had an ex-boyfriend who had me take a bite out of his burger before telling me there were onions cooked inside the meat. He laughed really hard. Emphasis on the EX part of boyfriend.
  2. Chives
    "Hey, that potato looks good! Wanna know the quickest way to ruin it??"
  3. Raisins
    No faster way to kill Thanksgiving than to put raisins in the stuffing. Even worse if they're the yellow raisins and they hide like sneaky, disgusting bastards. I have Vietnam-esque PTSD nightmares about being forced to take that fucking red box to school as a snack.
  4. Capers
    I don't even know what they actually are ??? But I know that if they end up anywhere near my Lox, I'm burning the place to the ground!!!
  5. Potatoes Au Gratin
    "Oh my god, you don't like them?? Are you sure?? I think you might!" "Oh yeah, you're right! After 26 years of turning them down, this single conversation has changed my mind!"
  6. Pie
    I have so many discussions about this with people and I maintain that warm or hot fruit is disgusting. There's a fantastic Great Debates podcast with Mike Schur where he proves my point much more elegantly. The fruit gets WAY too syrupy sweet and at the end of the day, I'd rather have chocolate cake or ice cream. "But you haven't tried MY apple pie!" No, I haven't and I never will. I will eat pecan pie but that's usually begrudgingly when there is no other dessert available.