FULL HOUSE CHARACTERS, RANKED
Milk man, paperboy, evening TV, etc etc.
- •Uncle JesseThe epitome of cool, even with that horrible S1 mullet. And his adorable relationship with Michelle? Don't get me started!! Voice like an angel, hair like an angel, sex appeal of an angel. Is John Stamos an angel? There's no way of knowing for sure.
- •Michelle TannerIf Uncle Jesse is the epitome of cool, Michelle is the epitome of cute. The part was so legendary that one actor couldn't even handle it alone! They needed twins! Michelle Tanner...the part that launched MK & A and forced everyone to ask themselves: am I a Mary-Kate or an Ashley?
- •Aunt BeckyAll the guys wanted her and all the girls wanted to be her. The only hair that could rival Stamos'. Gorgeous, funny, understanding...She had it all. Aunt Becky was the type of aunt you could talk to about boys, your period, or which scrunchie pairs best with your tweety bird high tops.
- •DJ TannerBasically a mini Aunt Becky. DJ was our 90s girl savior. She dealt with everything: eating disorders, bitchy cliques, peer pressure to smoke...girlfriend handled it ALL with grace and charm.
- •Danny TannerAn unsung hero. Always there with a smile, hug, and more often than not, a cleaning rag. Cause homeboy LOVED to clean!!! Remember??! Ha ha! What a goof!
- •Steve [last name unknown?]DJ's hottie boyfriend who would go on to be the voice of Aladdin. Kind of a doofus but DJ had been hanging out with Gibbler for years so standards were at an all time low. I'm sure by the time he rolled around, Steve seemed like Stephen goddamn Hawking.
- •Uncle JoeyMad props to Dave Coulier for fitting as much Red Wings paraphernalia into a sitcom as possible. Points deducted however for the woodchuck puppet. It looked creepy and the joke got old real fast. Know when to fold em, Joey.
- •CometJust a gorgeous fucking dog. And named after a cleaning product?! Classic Danny!
- •Nicky and JesseBarely worth mentioning. They oft spoke in broken English and got my baby girl Michelle into trouble. Listen kiddos, you were never going to be as cute as she was in her heyday. I'm sorry. Thems the breaks.
- •Kimmy GibblerJust...I mean...can we not? Yeah, the Tanner family were all kind of assholes to the Gibb but she was annoying as hell. Remember when she ditched DJ to hang out with the popular kids? And she dated that one dude who could only say "whatever"? That's not a thing. (Although once again, Steve looks like a genius in comparison). Ugh. Go home, Gibbler.
- •Stephanie TannerThe proverbial middle child. Stephanie was cute but her constant need for attention really got my goat. We get it. "DJ is cool and older and Michelle is the cute baby...where do I fit in?" Blah blah blah. With that kind of whining, you're not gonna fit in anywhere! Look in the mirror, Stephanie. You're ranked below Kimmy Gibbler. What does that tell you?