I WILL SWIPE LEFT IF...

  1. You say "no drama"
    Sorry, dude, but if you feel it *necessary* to say that, odds are you invite the drama.
  2. Any mention of Trump
    Your joke in your bio about him probably isn't funny. And if you're supporting him, I'd probably just spend our entire first date berating you.
  3. Dreadlocks on a white guy
    You're not a character in True Romance. You are white. Your mom's name is probably Donna.
  4. More than 2 of your pictures involve you working out.
    Yeah...sorry, bro. Working out isn't a personality.
  5. All of your pictures were clearly taken by you and you alone.
    Do you have friends? Family? Or did you murder them in some psychotic fit?
  6. Your bio is a joke stolen from a stand-up comedian and you don't credit them.
    Cool! I like John Mulaney too!
  7. One of your pictures is clearly with an ex.
    Yes, you look good in it, but cmon man.
  8. You make a weird attempt to make me feel comfortable in your profile.
    I saw one yesterday and the first sentence was "I SWEAR I'M NOT A DOUCHE!!!" Why did you feel the need to say that?
  9. You live in Santa Monica.