INSTRUCTIONS FOR MY FUNERAL SHOULD I DIE TOMORROW
I have this fear that I'm going to die and my funeral is going to be boring as shit. I love my mom but if I die before her, she's going to make it super sappy and c'mon let people have some fun.
- •Make a photo montage of my life with "Ruby Tuesday" playing over it. This should be the only time people get sad sad.
- •Make a photo montage of all the worst pictures of me ever taken and play "Only the Good Die Young" over it.
- •Instead of one person doing a eulogy, allow people to come up and roast me.Don't get too mean though because my mom will get really sad. Make it more of a honey roast. Like tell stories about me not really understanding how small I am and my willingness to challenge people to fights outside bars.
- •Should be catered by In n Out, Taco Bell, and Yogurtland.
- •Open bar but the only beer served should be PBR. There will be no Captain Morgan available.I got really sick off of Captain Morgan once and I will never let go of this grudge.
- •Hire someone to bring in puppies for people to play with.There has never been a time in my life when I will not stop to pet a dog. It's impossible for people to be sad when there are puppies around!
- •Hire someone to come and give girls hair wraps.Remember hair wraps?! You'd get them at like amusement parks?? Those were awesome.
- •Bring in TVs and have episodes of Parks and Rec and Doctor Who playing.
- •Give people goodie bags as they leave with all of my favorite things.The girls will get: a gift card to Urban Outfitters, a year long Netflix subscription, a bottle of 2 Buck Chuck (you choose the type of wine), tarte cheek stain, and a framed picture of Bradley Cooper. The men will get: a gift card to The Art of Shaving, a new pair of Chuck Taylors, and a 12 pack of PBR.
- •End the evening with fireworks because who the fuck doesn't love fireworks?But make sure the puppies are gone by then! I don't want them to get scared!