I have this fear that I'm going to die and my funeral is going to be boring as shit. I love my mom but if I die before her, she's going to make it super sappy and c'mon let people have some fun.
  1. Make a photo montage of my life with "Ruby Tuesday" playing over it. This should be the only time people get sad sad.
  2. Make a photo montage of all the worst pictures of me ever taken and play "Only the Good Die Young" over it.
  3. Instead of one person doing a eulogy, allow people to come up and roast me.
    Don't get too mean though because my mom will get really sad. Make it more of a honey roast. Like tell stories about me not really understanding how small I am and my willingness to challenge people to fights outside bars.
  4. Should be catered by In n Out, Taco Bell, and Yogurtland.
  5. Open bar but the only beer served should be PBR. There will be no Captain Morgan available.
    I got really sick off of Captain Morgan once and I will never let go of this grudge.
  6. Hire someone to bring in puppies for people to play with.
    There has never been a time in my life when I will not stop to pet a dog. It's impossible for people to be sad when there are puppies around!
  7. Hire someone to come and give girls hair wraps.
    Remember hair wraps?! You'd get them at like amusement parks?? Those were awesome.
  8. Bring in TVs and have episodes of Parks and Rec and Doctor Who playing.
  9. Give people goodie bags as they leave with all of my favorite things.
    The girls will get: a gift card to Urban Outfitters, a year long Netflix subscription, a bottle of 2 Buck Chuck (you choose the type of wine), tarte cheek stain, and a framed picture of Bradley Cooper. The men will get: a gift card to The Art of Shaving, a new pair of Chuck Taylors, and a 12 pack of PBR.
  10. End the evening with fireworks because who the fuck doesn't love fireworks?
    But make sure the puppies are gone by then! I don't want them to get scared!