THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO ME WHEN I DRINK

Inspired by the hangover I've had all day
  1. First of all, I will absolutely deny being drunk.
    That is my tell. You will say to me "you feeling a little drunk?" and I will focus all of my energy on straightening up and saying "nah, I'm totally fine". I am not fine.
  2. I will vehemently insist that we discuss things I am passionate about. Last night, it was the face Larry David makes when he thinks someone is lying on Curb Your Enthusiasm.
  3. I will get overly confident and insist on showing you how good I am at rapping.
    I will, sometimes, also insist on showing the entire bar.
  4. I will text boys and flirt with them and be too honest.
  5. I will tweet really stupid and cryptic things.
    There used to be this girl who hung around some of my friends that I HATED. It was right after Django came out and @mia and I were listening to the soundtrack constantly. So around 1 am after a night of hanging out with this girl and my friends, I tweeted "I only need one black coffin for one dead bitch". TOO FAR, HOLLIS. TOO FAR.
  6. If I get sad, I will walk away and cry in the bathroom or on the street outside wherever we are. I will watch YouTube videos of RuPaul's Drag Race to cheer myself up.
    Never been one to cry in front of people when drunk.
  7. I will always dance with you.
  8. And finally, no matter how blasted I am, by the grace of God, I always remember to take out my contacts before I go to bed.