TIMES I THOUGHT MY PARENTS WERE GENUINELY GOING TO KILL ME

  1. When I spilled red pop on the white carpet of the house we were renting for a summer vacation.
    My cousin and I enlisted the help of my older brother and older cousin after we tried to cover it with a futon. They were 15 and drove to a CVS to buy Resolve. It didn't work. We lost our deposit.
  2. When my mom found A PINT of Kaluha in the trunk of my car on the day of Senior Homecoming.
    I was getting my hair done at a salon around the corner from our house. All she did was silently walk into the salon, place the bag that the Kaluha was hiding in in front of me and walk out. I had to spend the next hour in agony getting my hair curled and knowing that she knew. Bone chilling.
  3. When I tried to wash my Dad's car with muddy leaves.
    There were bits of stones or pebbles in the mud and I scratched Dad's car up real good.
  4. When I accidentally taught my two year old sister to say "what the fuck".
    She overheard me say it to my friend so then she said it. I laughed at first and she realized if she said it, people would it laugh. That's a hard error to correct.
  5. When I called my cousin a "bitch".
    We were 11 and I didn't even say it to her face. I said it to my brother who then went and told her and then she went crying to her Mom. Dad was pissed at first because he thought I said it to her face. But then he found out that Eddie was the one who ratted me out, so I was off the hook and Eddie didn't get to go to hockey camp that summer. Sweet, sweet karma.