MY DARKEST MOMENT ⚫️
Inspired by @ListPrompts
- •I remember the day I found out about you.I was 20, newly married, mother of a two year old son. I was both excited and scared to death! In the end, I could not be happier our family was growing!
- •We had the perfect nine months, you and I.After the difficult pregnancy I had with your brother, I was so surprised at how smooth the pregnancy was with you.
- •I was so nervous the day before you were born!I have always felt guilt about it, but I was so very nervous the day before they induced labor. I had this feeling or fear something bad was going to happen. Logically, I know this was just a young mothers fears, and it was perfectly normal, but there is still this twinge of guilt there.
- •Our labor was intense!What stands out most is how quiet I was. When I labored with you, I internalized a lot. This was something just you and I had to do. I didn't cry out with contractions and I didn't complain. Everyone kept calling me strong. I wasn't strong. I was just trying to bring you in this world safely. It was almost like this was a sacred time for just me and you. I knew you were working as hard as me. This was our first time as mother and son we would work together and rely on each other.
- •The doctor said it was time, but there was a problem.You were upside down and needed to turn over. This one annoying nurse kept coming in and trying to get you to turn yourself. Your brother had been the same way. I was getting scared now, but I was sure we would be just fine. I held firm to both hope and faith.
- •We headed off to delivery in a hurry!Talk about scaring somebody! The nurses came in and rushed you and I off faster than I had ever seen. I assumed that I would be holding you in no time! But instead we just had to wait...and wait. Our doctor was your dad's uncle. We didn't have a lot of money, and he was considered to be one of the best in town. Everyone trusted him. I trusted him. He was my husband's family. Apparently, he was talking to your grandma, so that's why we were waiting for so long. The nurse finally called him.
- •They never put monitors back on me after we got to delivery.I never figured this part out. At the time, I don't think I even noticed. I was about to meet you for the first time!
- •Things happened too fast...something went wrong.Okay, Joshua, this part is hard to hear, but it's necessary to our story. The doctor turned you manually, but because there were no monitors he did not realize your heart had stopped. You were technically stillborn when I delivered you. They wouldn't let me see you, so I started coming off the table until your dad threw himself on top of me. The good news, the miracle, is that after what seemed like forever they got a heartbeat. They just weren't sure how long you went without oxygen.
- •I got to touch you before you went to NICU.And that was the sweetest touch I have ever felt. In that moment I knew I would fight with you, or for you if you couldn't, to make sure you could come home with me.
- •Nothing appeared to be wrong with you.The doctor came and talked to me. He said you were otherwise healthy, except for what happened during delivery. The EEG showed brain activity, and everything seemed to be going in the right direction. You were on a vent at that point, but the neonatologist was on his way.
- •You had a seizure.The neonatologist had not made it in yet. I was assured that seizures are normal after a birth like yours and oxygen deprivation. The doctor ordered medication for the seizure until the neonatologist got there. I have been told the wrong dose was given. I will never know.
- •Good news...your EEG was still good!The new doctor was amazing and once again filled me with hope. You had no more seizures. There was no brain damage. By all accounts, it looked like you were going to be coming home soon. You were still on a vent. I had not heard you cry. You were starting to swell and they weren't sure why, but the doctor was going to find out. You were fighting so hard. Every time I saw you, every time I touched you, I knew you knew I was there. We were fighting together.
- •They found out why you were swelling.The medication they gave you to treat that one and only seizure caused you to go into renal failure. Unfortunately, for babies as young as you were, kidney dialysis was not an option.
- •You fought gallantly for almost three weeks.When you were 17 days old, I was told I had to make a decision. I could let you go, or they could keep doing all heroic measures. At this point, you had not coded since birth, but they felt it was a matter of time. I prayed and I agonized. In the end, I decided that I could not make you keep suffering to make my heart feel less pain. There was only so much your body could take.
- •It took three days.For three days, you continued to fight. The bond we had was that strong. I wanted to be with you when you left this world. That was my place, by your side, holding on to you as you left. Every time your vital signs would drop to the point where they thought you were done fighting, they would let me in the NICU. Every time I came close to you, your vitals would return to normal. You were holding on for me. You were in liver failure now as well. The medicine had poisoned you. I had to let you go.
- •My darkest moment.I looked down at you, and could see how tired your poor little body had become. 19 days you fought a battle you shouldn't have had to fight. I made the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I asked the nurse to wait longer to call me the next time, to wait until your vitals were lower. I knew I had to let you go. I knew I had to get you to let me go. It shattered my very soul. I felt like I was betraying you, although I knew I wasn't. I didn't want you to hurt . I wanted to be a good mom.
- •I was there when you left.I sang to you, do you remember? I had my hand on your chest. I was touching your face, and I was singing to you. I felt you take your last breath, and still I sang, softly just for a moment.
- •You are always with me.And you always will be. I think of you everyday. I love you, Joshua Leland Henry. 11/11/91-11/30/91