1. I'm heading to Indianapolis.
  2. I have an appointment with a specialist.
  3. Today is the day I find out what, if any, treatment I can receive for Secondary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis.
  4. I have had Relapse Remitting Multiple Sclerosis for 11 years.
  5. I recently reached the next stage of MS, which is Secondary Progressive.
  6. Not everyone who has Relapse Remitting MS will develop Secondary Progressive MS.
  7. I have, but I think I am okay with it. There is nothing I can do to change it.
  8. I'm nervous about today.
  9. I have failed every disease modifier they have put me on.
  10. Or rather, every disease modifier has failed me.
  11. I have said over the years that I was done taking medication for MS. The collective "they" aren't sure how most disease modifiers work, or if they help. They appear to, but due to the unpredictability of MS, there are those still doubt the efficacy of the medications.
  12. Today, I realized I don't want anyone to tell me that I don't have the option of medication anymore.
  13. It's one thing for me to choose not to take it, but it's another to be told there are no more options.
  14. I'm worried because I have MS lesions on the frontal lobes of my brain.
  15. I don't want to lose my beautiful brain. I've never been a vain woman. I have been in a wheel chair before and expect I will be there again.
  16. But I will not give MS the one thing that defines me. I will not allow this unseen enemy that attacks me from within to take this wonderfully, chaotic, introverted, overly-analytical mind.
  17. I haven't let on to anyone just how scared I am. I feel like I am losing parts of myself everyday.
  18. I won't stop being positive. I don't give in easily.
  19. But I have to learn to allow myself to be afraid.
  20. And angry.
  21. Frankly, this pisses me the fuck off.
  22. I'm 45. I have lived my life with intention. I have caused the least amount of damage possible to those around me. I have helped all that I could. I have tried to leave people better for having known me.
  23. I know that no matter what happens, I will be okay. Either way, I've got this.
  24. Today is one of those days I am so thankful for ListApp. I needed a place I could just put my feelings out there.
  25. Wish me luck, y'all.
  26. I'm gonna go kick some MS ass.