THINGS I'M DOING AT 3:16 A.M. INSTEAD OF SLEEPING WHICH I WOULD SO PREFER WHAT THE FUCK

  1. Updating my List App profile
  2. Wondering if my profile pic makes it look like I'm raising a glass of pee
  3. Decide, you know what? SO WHAT IF IT DOES
  4. "Why the glass of pee?" I can hear people ask
  5. "Why so much eye makeup?" I can hear my grandmother ask
  6. "Sluuuuuuuut" I can hear that girl from 10th grade saying behind my back at the basketball game
  7. Wait
  8. That was *me* saying it about someone else
  9. And she heard me
  10. And wow that's probably the closest I've ever come to the "shitting my pants" you hear so much about
  11. And challenged me to a fight "up on the hill at 2:05" a few days later
  12. And the whole school knew about it and *definitely* were not on my side
  13. And my friends started placing bets
  14. Probably against me now that I think about it
  15. And I practiced by punching my Dad's arm which shouldn't he have known something was up?
  16. Just remembered parents didn't start paying attention until 2002.
  17. A huge circle of bloodthirsty lady fight fans gathered
  18. And she never showed
  19. She went home on the bus, saying she "forgot"
  20. LOL
  21. I've never felt a greater sense of relief in my life
  22. Including the birth of my two kids
  23. And when freelance checks decide to finally saunter in WHAT IS SO HARD ABOUT PAYING PEOPLE ON TIME JUST WHAT IS IT WHY
  24. And right now as I complete my first List App list
  25. But that profile pic
  26. Definitely pee